Why Not Me

Today I got both good news and news that I have been dreading. The good news was that all my scans from Wednesday came back good-there are no signs of cancer in any other parts of my body. The news I have been dreading is the start date for treatment-mainly the chemo. I have my first treatment on Tuesday the 16th. According to my doctor the first 24hrs after treatment can be the roughest as for nausea. It will take around 21 days after treatment starts to lose most of my hair. I knew that once I had an actual start date that my whole attitude about this would change. I have been struggling with the "why me" and then I think "why not me". Four years ago, my brother preached a sermon that basically said "why not me", he talked about that as Christians we are not exempt from having to go through difficult times, but what we do have, as Christians, is the means by which to survive the hard times if we rely on God. I know that God has a purpose and a reason for this "rain". I know that there is no way I can get through this on my own that He wants me to rely on Him and to trust Him. I found myself laying in bed not able to go to sleep(and that is so not like me) and then it was like I heard Him say read Colossians 4. I thought to myself that if I get up and read this and it doesn't pertain to what is going on I just may be going nuts--well I am not nuts. Col. 4 talks about devoting ourselves to prayer and knowing that whatever answer we get its what God deems best for us. I know that I have prayed and ask why me, why now, why...but I have not really been brought to my knees until tonight. I know that sounds strange, yes I have been diagnosed with breast cancer and yes I have had to have major surgery and yes I have to start treatments next week, but somehow I managed slide through all of that and not really give it all to God to take care of. I wasn't taking care of it, but I hadn't given it up either. But as of right this minute 12:05am, it is not mine anymore!