Getting There!

I am 6 1/2 weeks post surgery and today my blood counts are finally starting to rebound. I say that only to tell you that they took 7 viles of blood today so all that progress could be down the drain!!! Seriously though the doctor said that my blood counts are rebounding pretty quickly and all will be fine there.
As for reconstruction, I got thrown a HUGE curve ball on Friday. I went in for my weekly "filling" and then got told that my doctor has to have surgery and will be off for 6 weeks. Therefore, I will also have a 6 week delay in my "process" as the doc likes to refer to this as! Can you say hacked off!! Its not that I don't want the doc to feel better, I just don't want to have to wait to have boobs the same size. See right now I have 1-"D" and 1-"A-" not easy to pull off clothing when they are that different in size! The necrosis is still healing and is not bothering me as much, but we've decided to let it heal on its own instead of trying to sew it up again, so this will add weeks to the healing process as well. I am running a little short on patience with this whole reconstruction stuff. I keep reminding myself it's not about me, but dang it, it's getting old quick!
I saw a quote today on a friends fb that put a great new spin on an old quote. We've all been told that God doesn't give us more than we can handle--well that is not true. He does give us more than we can handle to we will rely on HIM!!

I Never Would Have Guessed

It has been 3 1/2 weeks since my first surgery for reconstruction. The doctor said that this would be a difficult surgery as far as recovery, but I would have never guessed it would have knocked me down like it has. At the end of 3 weeks, I am still not working full days (so not like me), I had a check up with the oncologist who informed me that I am VERY anemic. This would explain the no energy and the need to sleep for long periods of time. My incision is giving me a few problems, they say not to worry about it, but when the explanation of what is happening is that some of the fatty tissue is dying--it leaves a very unsettling feeling with you. I can say that I am emotionally spent. I have said on more than one occasion that had I known how difficult this would be, I'm not sure I would have been so eager to have done this. I know it is just the tired and emotional part of me saying this, but really lets get on with it. They start tomorrow adding saline to my tissue expander (that should feel great!!) but it is one step closer to being done. I don't like to complain on here, moaning and groaning it not me. But I want to be honest-this isn't all peaches and light, but I am surviving and God is good!

10 Days and Counting

I have 10 days until my first surgery in the reconstruction process. I haven't decided whether to be excited or nervous to the point of throwing up. No seriously, I am totally excited about starting the process, I am nervous regarding how I am going to feel, how painful it is going to be and how long it will take be to get up and around. I don't do "down" well. I am excited to get this process underway. In my mind it is the beginning of the end. The end of treating/dealing/waking up with reminders of cancer. I know that I will still have scars: emotional scars, physical scars and even some spiritual scars, but knowing that I am as put back together as I can be, will let those scars be positive reminders of my journey. They will teach me more compassion for others, to be cautious with my words, to love unconditionally and to always look for ways to help others. I am ready to have my life back. I am ready to live each day with a new sense of purpose. I am ready to just be "Leigh", not "Leigh that's been through cancer".

Gearing Up!

Well, I am getting ready to go at it again! I should be able to start my reconstruction at the end of July. This comes only after going round and round with my doctors office. Once they realized I was talking to my insurance company and they couldn't blame it on "waiting on insurance" things are moving. I just want to get this started so it can be OVER!!!! I really don't think many people in the medical field understand this concept. I am tired of the daily reminders of all I had to endure last year, I want to put myself back together and move on!!!! The surgery has pros and cons. Pros like new boobs, a tummy tuck and cons like 2-3 days in a hospital (yuck), 2-3 weeks down time (I don't do down well) and I can't forget quite a bit of pain from what I've heard. So yes I am excited to get started and dreading it all at the same time.
On the bright side, I am so totally enjoying my summer! M is playing a ton of softball, I have gotten to play a few times myself (that will prove your age to you) and working like there is no tomorrow.

Summer is Here

Summer means one thing in my house--we are never home!! There is always something: softball (mine or M's), church activities, sport camps, throw in a little work and some family time and yes we are never home. This is my favorite time of year and I have really gotten to enjoy this one. Two summers ago I had back surgery and last year, well we all know how my last summer was, so this has been a wonderful change.
My last post, I was still a little traumatized. But round two with the plastics man is next week and I think I am a little more prepared for what he wants to do. I have talked to several people and doctors all of whom were not surprised with the "plan" and actually said that was good. So now I just need to figure out the timing!

The Plastics Man

Today is my first appointment with a plastic surgeon. I have been so excited about this up until today. I think I may truly throw up! I couldn't figure out why I felt so sick all the sudden? Where had all the excitement gone? Then a co-worker said, "hello-its like here we go again, another doctor, another surgery (or three or four), another...." And she is right, I truly want to meet this doctor and start this process, it is the last of the steps to not having to think about this everyday or being reminded every time you change clothes or take a shower that you have survived a major event. But this very minute, I want to puke!! I have a list of questions for the doctor, a timeline in my head (that hopefully he can make happen), and for the most part I know what to expect. Its not my first surgery, I have had drains before, I just don't know what or why I am so nervous? I learn more and more everyday about myself through all of this, somethings I like and some not so much. I know today that I can just trust in God for a calmness, for a wisdom to make sound decisions as far as doctors and treatment, and for a smooth reconstruction process all together.

Mother's Day is a Comin!

This blog has so been about cancer and my journey through it, that I just wanted to take time and say thanks to my mom. I have always been the "daddy's girl" and everyone knows that, but this last year my mom and I have developed a closer relationship. She has been there throughout the surgeries, treatments, mood swings and all that came with the cancer. She has been a great distraction for M, to keep her from worrying. I just don't often take the time to tell her how much she means to me. How much she has helped me through this process. Make sure you take the time to tell you mom how much she means to you. Tell her how much you love her. We are not promised tomorrow so take advantage of the now.

My Bucket!

This is a close-up of my bucket. The bucket is part of a partnership that KFC is doing with the Susan G. Komen foundation for breast cancer awareness. The buckets are being distributed from April 23 thru May 23, check out the link at www.bucketsforthecure.com . Not only is my name on a bucket by I was also fortunate enough to do an interview for Channel 5 about my personal story. It will air on Thursday at 5pm. Up to this point I have been anti pink ribbon, not because I don't believe in the cause but more because I was just not to "that place" in my dealing with breast cancer. I totally believe and know the importance of research, awareness, education and medical treatment when it comes to breast cancer, I just didn't want to be defined by a pink ribbon. I will have to say it is pretty cool to see your name associated with a campaign like this, and know that I am where I am because and in spite of it. Having had breast cancer has given so many opportunities to talk with others, hear their stories and hopefully help some going through cancer now.

Not What I Expected

Today marks a very important day in my life. One year ago today, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. One year ago today, I thought my world had fallen completely apart. I have never felt fear like what I felt that day. Never felt so uncertain, never so completely out of control. Over the last year I have been shown many times that I am not in control and that is good. I really thought today would be a "happy" day. One that I could look back and say Wooooohoooo, I made it. It has totally not been that at all. I have felt all the fear rush back in, the total sadness of the diagnosis, the complete out of control feeling. I know that God is in control, that He loves me and he will provide for me. I just didn't expect to feel that sadness again. I didn't expect to have to relive all the emotions of the past year. As I sit here, my eyes filled with tears, I know that today is not only a reminder of what has been, but of who has gotten me through. I completely know in my heart that these feelings are a reminder from God that says "You will always need me". Just because the rain has stopped doesn't not mean that you can do it on your own. So as confused as I am by the feelings there is a deep understanding as well. I am saved by nothing more or less than the grace of God, nothing I can do or say will get me further. Thank you God for giving me this day, this past year and hopefully many more to come!

No Dust Settling Here

I have been blowing and going so much lately that I completely forgot about this blog! I ran into a friend the other day that said "you need to update your blog-I need some new reading". So here goes. Health wise I am great! I don't go back to the doctor until the end of May-its every 3 months for the next 2-3 years (oh doesn't that sound fun). I am gaining energy daily. I notice that I can go longer and not get as wiped out as in months past. I do still get "chemo" tired, but those days come in spurts and are being more spread out. I have really been struggling with how I can help/give back to people struggling with cancer or other traumatic things. I have such a different outlook on life, illness and recovery, now than I did before. I know what helped me, what didn't and that everyone is different but we all need someone to talk, vent to, or cry with. It has become a desire of my heart to be there for people in similar situations to mine. If any of you know of someone that might need to talk to someone "who has been there", please always feel free to contact me or give them my number or email. I know what a help my friends who had been there were to me and what a comfort to know what was coming and ways to help me get through it. Every one deserves that comfort.

What's Up

I really don't know much new. I have so been enjoying the nice weather and all that comes with it: cleaning out the flower beds, cutting shrubs, softball and selling houses. I have been truly blessed with work and tons of it! Today I had a realtor open house and had tons of agents through. M had volleyball practice today and our last tournament is this weekend in Joplin. I can honestly say I am still tired from this past weekend of volleyball, but so thankful that I am able to enjoy watching her play. I guess the biggest thing I am struggling with is the fact that I can go back to life as normal, but I don't have the energy for all of that yet. I feel good and I start working or playing and it is no time at all and I am exhausted!! My brain doesn't understand why my body can't keep up???!!!?!? The no hormone thing is getting a little old as well-hot flashes, really? I have more sympathy for women in this condition than I ever could have imagined. NOT complaining- I'm alive and well!
I heard the song today that this blog is named after. I haven't heard it in a long time and it was crazy how it made me feel. It talks about bringing on the rain, whatever it takes to bring HIM glory. That used to scare me, I wasn't scared today. I knew that I could survive the rain and that if any part of my journey brought HIM glory, then it was well worth it. I have met so many people and got to share my story and hear theirs. Don't misunderstand, I don't want to have to go through anything like this again, but I see so much more now than before.

Open Eyes

Through out this process of surgery, treatment and post treatment, I have often ask myself what I was suppose to learn from this. I know I may not know every reason for this or everyone that it effected, but today I did learn one very valuable thing. This morning I received a phone call from a person that I consider a friend. Granted we don't often get to hang out or talk every day, but friend-yes! This morning she called me worried that she had offended me in a conversation when in all actuality she had really helped me and let me talk about some things. Talk about living the kind of life we should all be living. She was worried about some one else's feelings and no matter how awkward the call she needed to make sure that we were ok. It made me realize just how self absorbed I am. I want to be more like her, I want to think of others way before myself. I learned today that God has put amazing people in my life. How grateful I am for those people and what they teach me every day. My prayer is Lord open my eyes, let me see others needs, others feelings and most important Your will. Thank you JJ for being my friend!

Released

It is a very strange feeling to be doing the day to day things with limited doctor visits. I am feeling really good except the occasional "chemo tired" that comes from not taking the time to let my body heal (I do not have patience). I played catch at M's softball practice the other nite, it felt SOOO good. I felt normal, no one treating me like I was one step away from falling over from exhaustion or having to make sure that a ball wasn't going to hit me (which one did in the foot-it hurt but I loved it). My hair is still growing, this short do is driving me nuts! Its not me, I have long hair that stays up in a ponytail or messy bun. I have hidden behind that hair all my life and feel very naked without it. I have been back to the tanning bed as well-more happiness for me. The only thing I love more than my long hair and softball is the tanning bed. It is my 12 minutes of sunshine and nap time all in one!!
Overall, I feel great and am enjoying normal living!

I Can't Take It Anymore!

I am referring to my wig. Yes today I actually left my house just wearing my own hair! It is extremely short, but colored and I feel totally naked but I don't have on that blasted wig. Don't get me wrong I am very thankful I had my wig, for my grandparents who bought it and everyone who said they couldn't tell it was a wig. It was driving me crazy though! When my hair started to grow back in, it was so thick but fine that my wig wouldn't stay on my head right, so I was always checking it, pulling on it and lets not talk about the fact it tangled just by looking at it. My biggest goal through all of this (other than living) was not looking like I had cancer and my wig helped in that area. I have really struggled with just wearing the short hair, because anyone who half way knows me, knows I would NEVER cut my hair off this short. So to me when people see me with short hair they will know I had cancer. Here is the stupid part about the previous statement, I don't care who knows. I have told more people about my cancer than any other subject, this past year. I just don't want someone to look at me and say "oh she must have/had cancer". Truthfully I don't want to look at my short hair and be reminded either, but I just couldn't make myself put on that wig today!

It's Over or Is It?

So many times lately I have heard the statement "Aren't you glad it's over?". At first that comment irritated me, but lately it has just made me think more about the intentions of those making the comments instead of the comment itself. I am not sure when this whole deal will feel over to me. There are so many things that I am still dealing with on a daily basis that it is definitely not over yet. Yes, treatment is over and for that I am grateful. I plan to take a few months to let my body heal and to let my mind relax before I start reconstruction. Between now and then I still have to deal with and live with the reality of recovering from breast cancer and all that brings. I have struggled with wondering why I needed to go through this process. What did God want to do with me, what was I suppose to learn, or how was He going to use this for His good? And for those of you who know me, I am not always the most patient person in the world. I know that I may not have the answers to all of those questions but seriously throw me a bone, give me an idea, a hint--something. I was reading a devotional book (given to me by another survivor) and there it was on the day I needed it-a positive. The book said to think about the fact that God comforts us to teach us how to be a comfort to others. That He teaches us through our pain how to help others going through similar situations. I can live with that (like I have a choice) but really I can begin to get over some of the anger if I can focus on the fact that maybe God will use me to comfort and relate to others going through this. Would I have chosen this path to teach me compassion-no. But who would? It was like Ed said in his sermon a couple of weeks ago-if I knew what I would have to go through I might not have chosen to follow him, but fortunately for me He knows what it will take to accomplish His will, not me.