The Never Ending Nausea

Ok, I don't know which is worse, one day of headache or 4 days (and counting) of nausea. Either way it is wearing on my ever last nerve. I have slept since I got out of treatment on Tuesdays just to wake up and take more nausea drugs and go back to sleep. I have actually been awake more today than the last few. I am so ready for this part of this journey to be over. I am not saying that I am ready for the next rounds of treatment-I am sure that those will have their ups and downs as well but they do tell me that the side effects are not as great as with this first round. I need to have my few days of feeling good, my sanity needs it right now!!! I just wanted everyone to know that I am surviving this, it is just dragging out a little longer than the previous two treatments. But thankfully I only have one more of these to go!! I just keep relying on the my support system of friends and family and my God!

Changes

I met with my doctor on Thursday. Our main topic of conversation was the headaches that I have been having after treatments. He has decided to change one of the pre-meds I am given before chemo. I will now take two different medicines in pill form that he swears is the equivalent of the IV drug I normally take. This makes me totally nervous!!! I told the doctor several times that I would much rather have a headache than to throw up. He reassured me that he understood and this should do the trick for both!! With that being said we are praying he knows his stuff(which I feel he does), keeping our fingers crossed and anything else that might bring positive outcomes. I am more uptight with this upcoming treatment due to the thought of cumulative side effects. Things have been fairly easy so far and the thought of actually living all the horror stories you hear makes one nervous. I know there isn't anything that I can do about it and worrying doesn't help, but it's always in the back of my mind. I will go in for treatment tomorrow with the attitude that all will be good and the knowledge that God will get me through whatever is to come.

Nothin' Much

I can happily say there isn't much going on. My weekly goal is for my blood counts to come back at levels that are in range for the week-mission accomplished this week. I have had a pretty normal week this week, which consisted of work, running the kid around, and more work. It may seem weird to some, but now I cherish normal days. I never really thought about it before, I usually complained about working late or running all over town with errands and kid stuff. These days I welcome errands, work and normal time with the family. It is so good to feel like doing all those things instead of being tired and run down. If you take anything away from reading this today-let it be to cherish each day and all that comes with it (big or small) you never know what God has planned.

This Stinks

I think that is the nicest way I can put it, at this time. This is really starting to stink. I can honestly say, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I swore I wouldn't use the word sick. I am not sick, but all these medicines are making me feel sick. I'm tired of the chemo and/or the pre meds giving me the headache and I'm tired of taking so much medicine for the headaches and then taking something for what those medicines do, and so on and so on. I hate not feeling like just getting up and going like normal. Today for example I got up and finally got around to leave the house, I dropped off M and headed for work. By the time I got to the office I was tired and felt like crap, so I headed home. I am fortunate to be able to work from home, which I am doing today. I am just missing the normal summer routine. I love the sun and the outdoors, which I am told at this time will intensify the drugs in my system and make me sick. I miss the lake, the ball field and the occasionally road trip (you get the picture). Ok enough of that, I just needed to whine and vent a little. Truth be told I am very fortunate, I don't feel bad all the time and I have enjoyed many things this summer and I have seen people that prove this could be so much worse. I sat in church yesterday needing to hear something I knew was meant just for me. Then I heard/felt God say if you can trust me with these things(the list ran thru my head), trust me with this. It was the reassurance, that God is in control of this, that I needed. I have known all along He is in control, that He has a plan for me, but there are times that we just need God to speak straight to us. And thank goodness He knows when we need to "hear" Him.

Oh My Head

I thought that the few days following treatment would be like they were last time, I would sleep and feel a little crappy, but was I wrong. I can honestly say that I have never had a headache like I had Friday. Many of you who know me, know that I have migraine headaches occasionally. The headache that I had Friday beat any headache I have ever had in my life. I was taking medicine every 4 hours for pain and another med for nausea, of which I couldn't decide if I was sick because of the headache, the medicine on an empty stomach or just the chemo. I couldn't stand to see light, talk on the phone or even look at my phone to send a text. The sound of the TV, anyone talking, or even the sound of someone walking across the floor was more than I could stand. Thankfully, when I woke up this morning the headache has eased somewhat and I was even able to work for a few hours. The good doctor and I are going to have to have a discussion about this headache issue. If it is going to get progressively worse with each treatment, we are going to have to figure something out. I just hope the worst is over for this treatment and I can get back to a little normal around here.

Day 2 After Treatment 2

I have felt a little more nauseous than I remember feeling with the first treatment, the headache is back and I think that is the worst part. I have slept more today but that may just be boredom. But I just have to remember that this only last a few days and then it will be back to normal. Just not letting these few days get you down is the hardest part. I had heard people talk about feeling bad for a few days and then getting back to feeling almost like they did before treatment just in time to have another treatment and feel like crap again. I always thought at least they have those days they feel good-that should make them happy. Well, those days do make me happy but these few days of not feeling great make me not so happy, more like a little hateful if the truth was to be told. I find myself more short with people, I have little patience when it comes to anything, and overall not a pleasant person. This may be the reason the God allows me to sleep as much as I do, to save the masses. haha I go and get my neulasta shot tomorrow morning and then should come home and sleep for the next couple of days, and hopefully wake up Saturday morning like a whole new person! That is the prayer for today.

Two Down!

I have just gotten home from treatment #2. So far, it seems to be the same as the last one. I am a little tired from all the pre-meds they give me, but I feel pretty good. Thanks so much to my BFF for taking me to treatment. Always there when I need her! The prayer right now is that this post treatment goes like the first one. I slept alot but I didn't get sick-as you can probably tell that is my biggest fear. I just don't want to "be sick". I can deal with all the other side effects that comes with these drugs, but I do not want to puke!!!!! To some that sounds strange that losing my hair is easier to deal with than the occasional puking, but to me it is. I think it is because unless you see me at home without the wig and other accessories I don't look sick, not to me, not to my family and not to the average joe. That is my whole deal, I don't want to look sick. As far as I am concerned and the doctors are at this point-there is no cancer left in my body-this treatment is totally precautionary preventative over kill. Just to make sure that there wasn't one little trouble making cell that was missed. So with that mind set, if I don't act sick, and I don't look sick, then I am not sick (and I'm NOT sick). So please just pray that this goes well and I will let you know in a couple of days how it goes.

Check Up

I went to the doctor yesterday for my first post treatment check up with my oncologist. He was very pleased with how I have done so far. He said my blood counts are very good. He was not at all concerned with the headaches I had post treatment-he said just to take the tylenol or pain meds as I need them. We are on schedule and I will have my next treatment on Tuesday. I get nervous, the first treatment was so uneventful, I just hope it stays that way. Today is the 2nd day with out hair. It is a strange sensation not to have any hair on your head. I have had long hair my whole life, so this is a drastic change for me. I am adjusting and just trying to go with the flow.

Long Gone

Well I finally did it. I actually had to shave my head this morning. I knew it was coming, it had started to slowly fall out and then over the last couple of days it was more and more noticeable. I had already decided that when the first large clump fell the clippers would come out. So when I got out of the shower this morning and realized that there was no way a brush was going to go through that mess without tearing it all out, I cut off the long part and shaved the rest. I thought it would be much worse than it was, I had cried continually for the last couple of days, scared to death of being bald. But when it actually came time to do it, it wasn't that bad. My head is not misshapen, the wig looks as good as a wig can look I guess and it wasn't the end of the world!! Over the last couple of days, there have been a few things that have happened, that reminded me all this is worth it. Living life is worth losing your hair for a few months, and feeling tired more than usual. Life is worth not spending a summer at the lake or poolside in the sun. Life is a gift but sometimes that gift requires some sacrifice. I would much rather give up a few things I like, to spend many more years with the ones I love.