I Can't Take It Anymore!

I am referring to my wig. Yes today I actually left my house just wearing my own hair! It is extremely short, but colored and I feel totally naked but I don't have on that blasted wig. Don't get me wrong I am very thankful I had my wig, for my grandparents who bought it and everyone who said they couldn't tell it was a wig. It was driving me crazy though! When my hair started to grow back in, it was so thick but fine that my wig wouldn't stay on my head right, so I was always checking it, pulling on it and lets not talk about the fact it tangled just by looking at it. My biggest goal through all of this (other than living) was not looking like I had cancer and my wig helped in that area. I have really struggled with just wearing the short hair, because anyone who half way knows me, knows I would NEVER cut my hair off this short. So to me when people see me with short hair they will know I had cancer. Here is the stupid part about the previous statement, I don't care who knows. I have told more people about my cancer than any other subject, this past year. I just don't want someone to look at me and say "oh she must have/had cancer". Truthfully I don't want to look at my short hair and be reminded either, but I just couldn't make myself put on that wig today!

It's Over or Is It?

So many times lately I have heard the statement "Aren't you glad it's over?". At first that comment irritated me, but lately it has just made me think more about the intentions of those making the comments instead of the comment itself. I am not sure when this whole deal will feel over to me. There are so many things that I am still dealing with on a daily basis that it is definitely not over yet. Yes, treatment is over and for that I am grateful. I plan to take a few months to let my body heal and to let my mind relax before I start reconstruction. Between now and then I still have to deal with and live with the reality of recovering from breast cancer and all that brings. I have struggled with wondering why I needed to go through this process. What did God want to do with me, what was I suppose to learn, or how was He going to use this for His good? And for those of you who know me, I am not always the most patient person in the world. I know that I may not have the answers to all of those questions but seriously throw me a bone, give me an idea, a hint--something. I was reading a devotional book (given to me by another survivor) and there it was on the day I needed it-a positive. The book said to think about the fact that God comforts us to teach us how to be a comfort to others. That He teaches us through our pain how to help others going through similar situations. I can live with that (like I have a choice) but really I can begin to get over some of the anger if I can focus on the fact that maybe God will use me to comfort and relate to others going through this. Would I have chosen this path to teach me compassion-no. But who would? It was like Ed said in his sermon a couple of weeks ago-if I knew what I would have to go through I might not have chosen to follow him, but fortunately for me He knows what it will take to accomplish His will, not me.