Lessons Learn(ed/ing)

It has been 3 weeks today since this journey began, and I have learned so much in such a short time and I know that there are many more lessons to be had. I have learned that we do not know what tomorrow holds. And I'm not in control of it anyway. I have learned that there are so many people around me that care, many that I see or talk to on a regular basis and many that I may not have seen or talked to in a long time. I am truly blessed with very supportive family and friends. I realize every day how this "Rain" does not just change my life but the lives of those around me, as well. It is very hard to know what to say or how to act around someone that is dealing with a life changing situation. In the last 3 weeks, I have realized that it doesn't matter "what" you say or do, there will be times that nothing anyone says makes you happy and times that it is just the fact that someone made the effort to comfort you and ask about how you are that makes the day easier to face. I know that I will be a better person when this is all said and done, but for now it is one day at a time-one lesson at a time.

Livin' on the Edge!

I don't think I realized until last night, just how close to the "edge" I am. I just nearly had a meltdown in Walmart yesterday afternoon. The deal was I went to Walmart to pick up a couple of items I had forgotten and a prescription. The lady at the pharmacy couldn't find where my doctor had called it in, so I called my docs office and talked to the receptionist-God love her for having to answer that call. She told me that my doc was out of the office and she would try to get someone to look at it and let me know something. This is where the meltdown began. It wasn't that the prescription wasn't called in, or that my doc was out of the office, it was the fact that I might not get any sleep without this medicine. I have always been a person who needed a lot of sleep and this issue that I'm dealing with is defiantly cutting into my sleep. So, I informed the receptionist of my current issues and how I can not deal with anything else at the moment and I needed someone to figure this out and quickly. Then we got off the phone and I realized that I had just had that conversation in the main isle of Walmart. I wasn't loud, I was on the verge of tears and it was absolutely no one's fault-no one to be angry at, no one to blame. Just me about to go over the edge! Thank goodness for God's timing-he ended the call in His time, the nurse called me back and we fixed the problem-in His time. He did not let me go over the edge and lose it in the store, He is in total control, and for that I am thankful! God knows what I need and when I need it and the great part of that is--He provides it!!

Just What I Needed!

This weekend was just what I needed, especially after such an exhausting week. M played ball all day Saturday, so I spent the entire day with good friends and watching great softball!! The ball field is one place that I don't have to think about what is going on with me. Its not that I am in denial, it is just a place I can take a break from the medical terms, appointment dates and thinking about the next few months. All I have to think about out there is avoiding getting hit with the softball coming at me at 100mph (which by the way, I did not manage to do on one occasion--the arm is killing me this morning). Then on Sunday I went to church. It is so weird to sit and listen to my "little" brother preach and feel like he is talking only to me. His sermon was on fear and God's peace, 2 things I have been dealing with a lot lately. I have great fear of the unknown and the not having any control over it, and yet that is what is suppose to give me the greatest peace is knowing that God is in control and not me. And when you think about it, it does. Thank goodness I'm not in control--this isn't exactly my specialty. Oh and by the way, for those of you reading that heard my brother's sermon yesterday, the story he told about the busted chin did not really happen exactly the way he said. His memory is failing him as he gets older!!!

Sleep On It

After a decent night sleep, I woke up and realized what I had decided to do. I panicked just a little. What will it be like? What will I look like? Just exactly how painful is this whole deal going to be? I have to have one side done, but now I have opted to have them both done at the same time. Am I nuts, is it going to be too much? Then I realize it may be a lot to wrap my head around right now, but it still is the best decision for me. (I hope) I just keep trusting in God, that he has given me doctors that know what they are talking about, friends and family that are supporting me through all of this and peace that I am doing what HE wants me to do.

Next Step

Ok, so I went to meet with the surgeon today. I had gotten all the MRI and biopsy reports back and it was time to bite the bullet and make some decisions. What to do, what is right for me, for my husband, for my family? It is alot to consider but ultimately it boils down to what can I live with... The facts-the right boob has to go. It is the one with the tumor. As for the left-the biopsy came back negative NO cancer!! But for me that didn't change my feelings about surgery. Just the fact that they thought they saw something, and then it turned out to be nothing, can I live with that uncertainty? My answer was no. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if something is going on in my body that I can't see and that I could have helped prevent if I would have just taken care of it in the beginning. So, on May 14th I will have a bilateral mastectomy. I told the doctor today she could take them both and I would have new ones put in their place. I feel very good about that decision. I can't live my life worrying, even removing both doesn't take my chances to 0% of recurrence but it greatly reduces them, enough so, that it is totally worth it to me. We will decide after surgery what if any follow up treatment is needed and then I will start reconstruction. It has been a long day and it is a lot of information to process. This is where I'm at and I have a great peace about my decision.

From the beginning

I don't know where exactly to start. First the basics, I was diagnosed April 14th with invasive ductal carcinoma (big word meaning breast cancer)...what I will refer to as "The Rain". Why I call it the rain, is there is a song that we sing at our church that says Jesus bring the rain...bring me anything that brings HIM glory. That song "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me has always scared me to death. What will my rain be, what will I do when it comes?? Now that I know what my rain is, comes the what will I do with it. Technically, this is what has happened and where I am headed-- I have had a mammogram, ultrasound, needle biopsy and a MRI. All those have confirmed the cancer. Yesterday, I had a MRI guided biopsy on the other side because of suspicious looking images that showed up on my first MRI. There is a chance that it could be in both breasts just in different stages. With all of that being said, the more than likely outcome will be a double mastectomy and then reconstruction. I meet with my doctor tomorrow to talk about surgery (what kind and how much). I will know much more after that appointment. Like I have said from the beginning, they can have the old ones and just put pretty new ones in their place, I am totally ok with that. I would say that, if I have to go through all this then there should definitely be a light at the end of the tunnel, and my light is a new, younger looking chest!