My Bucket!

This is a close-up of my bucket. The bucket is part of a partnership that KFC is doing with the Susan G. Komen foundation for breast cancer awareness. The buckets are being distributed from April 23 thru May 23, check out the link at www.bucketsforthecure.com . Not only is my name on a bucket by I was also fortunate enough to do an interview for Channel 5 about my personal story. It will air on Thursday at 5pm. Up to this point I have been anti pink ribbon, not because I don't believe in the cause but more because I was just not to "that place" in my dealing with breast cancer. I totally believe and know the importance of research, awareness, education and medical treatment when it comes to breast cancer, I just didn't want to be defined by a pink ribbon. I will have to say it is pretty cool to see your name associated with a campaign like this, and know that I am where I am because and in spite of it. Having had breast cancer has given so many opportunities to talk with others, hear their stories and hopefully help some going through cancer now.

Not What I Expected

Today marks a very important day in my life. One year ago today, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. One year ago today, I thought my world had fallen completely apart. I have never felt fear like what I felt that day. Never felt so uncertain, never so completely out of control. Over the last year I have been shown many times that I am not in control and that is good. I really thought today would be a "happy" day. One that I could look back and say Wooooohoooo, I made it. It has totally not been that at all. I have felt all the fear rush back in, the total sadness of the diagnosis, the complete out of control feeling. I know that God is in control, that He loves me and he will provide for me. I just didn't expect to feel that sadness again. I didn't expect to have to relive all the emotions of the past year. As I sit here, my eyes filled with tears, I know that today is not only a reminder of what has been, but of who has gotten me through. I completely know in my heart that these feelings are a reminder from God that says "You will always need me". Just because the rain has stopped doesn't not mean that you can do it on your own. So as confused as I am by the feelings there is a deep understanding as well. I am saved by nothing more or less than the grace of God, nothing I can do or say will get me further. Thank you God for giving me this day, this past year and hopefully many more to come!

No Dust Settling Here

I have been blowing and going so much lately that I completely forgot about this blog! I ran into a friend the other day that said "you need to update your blog-I need some new reading". So here goes. Health wise I am great! I don't go back to the doctor until the end of May-its every 3 months for the next 2-3 years (oh doesn't that sound fun). I am gaining energy daily. I notice that I can go longer and not get as wiped out as in months past. I do still get "chemo" tired, but those days come in spurts and are being more spread out. I have really been struggling with how I can help/give back to people struggling with cancer or other traumatic things. I have such a different outlook on life, illness and recovery, now than I did before. I know what helped me, what didn't and that everyone is different but we all need someone to talk, vent to, or cry with. It has become a desire of my heart to be there for people in similar situations to mine. If any of you know of someone that might need to talk to someone "who has been there", please always feel free to contact me or give them my number or email. I know what a help my friends who had been there were to me and what a comfort to know what was coming and ways to help me get through it. Every one deserves that comfort.

What's Up

I really don't know much new. I have so been enjoying the nice weather and all that comes with it: cleaning out the flower beds, cutting shrubs, softball and selling houses. I have been truly blessed with work and tons of it! Today I had a realtor open house and had tons of agents through. M had volleyball practice today and our last tournament is this weekend in Joplin. I can honestly say I am still tired from this past weekend of volleyball, but so thankful that I am able to enjoy watching her play. I guess the biggest thing I am struggling with is the fact that I can go back to life as normal, but I don't have the energy for all of that yet. I feel good and I start working or playing and it is no time at all and I am exhausted!! My brain doesn't understand why my body can't keep up???!!!?!? The no hormone thing is getting a little old as well-hot flashes, really? I have more sympathy for women in this condition than I ever could have imagined. NOT complaining- I'm alive and well!
I heard the song today that this blog is named after. I haven't heard it in a long time and it was crazy how it made me feel. It talks about bringing on the rain, whatever it takes to bring HIM glory. That used to scare me, I wasn't scared today. I knew that I could survive the rain and that if any part of my journey brought HIM glory, then it was well worth it. I have met so many people and got to share my story and hear theirs. Don't misunderstand, I don't want to have to go through anything like this again, but I see so much more now than before.

Open Eyes

Through out this process of surgery, treatment and post treatment, I have often ask myself what I was suppose to learn from this. I know I may not know every reason for this or everyone that it effected, but today I did learn one very valuable thing. This morning I received a phone call from a person that I consider a friend. Granted we don't often get to hang out or talk every day, but friend-yes! This morning she called me worried that she had offended me in a conversation when in all actuality she had really helped me and let me talk about some things. Talk about living the kind of life we should all be living. She was worried about some one else's feelings and no matter how awkward the call she needed to make sure that we were ok. It made me realize just how self absorbed I am. I want to be more like her, I want to think of others way before myself. I learned today that God has put amazing people in my life. How grateful I am for those people and what they teach me every day. My prayer is Lord open my eyes, let me see others needs, others feelings and most important Your will. Thank you JJ for being my friend!

Released

It is a very strange feeling to be doing the day to day things with limited doctor visits. I am feeling really good except the occasional "chemo tired" that comes from not taking the time to let my body heal (I do not have patience). I played catch at M's softball practice the other nite, it felt SOOO good. I felt normal, no one treating me like I was one step away from falling over from exhaustion or having to make sure that a ball wasn't going to hit me (which one did in the foot-it hurt but I loved it). My hair is still growing, this short do is driving me nuts! Its not me, I have long hair that stays up in a ponytail or messy bun. I have hidden behind that hair all my life and feel very naked without it. I have been back to the tanning bed as well-more happiness for me. The only thing I love more than my long hair and softball is the tanning bed. It is my 12 minutes of sunshine and nap time all in one!!
Overall, I feel great and am enjoying normal living!

I Can't Take It Anymore!

I am referring to my wig. Yes today I actually left my house just wearing my own hair! It is extremely short, but colored and I feel totally naked but I don't have on that blasted wig. Don't get me wrong I am very thankful I had my wig, for my grandparents who bought it and everyone who said they couldn't tell it was a wig. It was driving me crazy though! When my hair started to grow back in, it was so thick but fine that my wig wouldn't stay on my head right, so I was always checking it, pulling on it and lets not talk about the fact it tangled just by looking at it. My biggest goal through all of this (other than living) was not looking like I had cancer and my wig helped in that area. I have really struggled with just wearing the short hair, because anyone who half way knows me, knows I would NEVER cut my hair off this short. So to me when people see me with short hair they will know I had cancer. Here is the stupid part about the previous statement, I don't care who knows. I have told more people about my cancer than any other subject, this past year. I just don't want someone to look at me and say "oh she must have/had cancer". Truthfully I don't want to look at my short hair and be reminded either, but I just couldn't make myself put on that wig today!