Week 2-post treatment

I have been amazed how well I have felt. It has been two weeks since treatment and my energy level is pretty good. I spent all weekend at the ballpark in Little Rock with M. They finished 3rd out of 17 teams. I definitely found my limits with the heat-109 degree heat index (in the shade) is about as hot as I can stand. They told me to stay out of the sun as much as possible and I've tried, as hard as it has been, but I couldn't stand to miss a state tournament heat or no heat. I go tomorrow to get my blood drawn again. Hopefully my levels are still good and I should be able to get my next treatment on the 7th. I see the doctor on Thursday to discuss the side effects that I have dealt with and any medication changes we need to make for the next treatment. The important thing is that all the treatments stay on schedule. There is not much new right now, just trying to keep things as normal as possible and tackle this deal one day at a time.

One Week Later

Today is 1 week since my first treatment. I went back to the doctor to get my blood counts tested. All my counts were where they needed to be-thank goodness!! I have felt pretty good-just learning to deal with all the fatigue. It is so strange to me not to be able to go from sun up to sun down like I am use to doing. Just the two doctors appointments I had this morning wore me out for the day-I did go to the office for a couple of hours, but by late afternoon I was done! Everyone (medically speaking) was very pleased with how I am doing so far. I keep hearing "You look so good" it makes me wonder just how bad it could be and what others do look like. I know what others look like-when I went to get my labs drawn today I get that done in the same room I get my chemo because I have a port. I am guessing that it takes special port training to draw blood from it-so the chemo nurses do my labs. Anyway, the room was full today with so many people getting treatments. I saw people that look like I do-a little tired but otherwise look pretty healthy and then I also saw a couple of people that were small, frail, more than a little tired looking, weak, basically they looked sick. That is very hard to see, for several reasons. It is a reminder of what is going on, there is guilt for how it is as of right now (not that bad), and fear of what it could be like. So the lesson learned from this morning labs is pick your treatment times carefully and thank God everyday for the blessings He has given you and the plans He has for your future.

Zero Energy

I wish I could explain the Thursday and Friday of last week. I went from feeling pretty ok to being totally wiped out in the blink of an eye. I got up Thursday and went to the doctor for an injection. When I came home I laid down to take a nap and ended up sleeping--off and on until Saturday morning. (mostly on) I have never been so tired that for a couple of days I couldn't hold my eyes open long enough to walk to the kitchen for a drink. I believe that is the day when my blood counts hit bottom. It is the strangest feeling for things to change that quickly. And then I woke up in Cabot Saturday morning like a whole new person. It was noticeable to everyone. Friends came up to me and told me that they could see it in my eyes that I had more energy and felt better. I hung out at the ball field on Saturday and it wasn't too bad-it was hotter than hot but I stayed in the shade(like I was told to), drank plenty of fluids and was just careful. I still have the wonderful side effect of the headache, I am beginning to think that I might have this one for the majority of the next 6 months. But trust me I will take a headache over nausea any day!!! On Sunday we went to church--it was so good. Our children's pastor spoke and told the stories of his children and how they entered their world, both stories bring tears to my eyes. Just knowing that our God uses so many different kinds of situations for His purpose and plan. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my struggle, my feelings, and my situation, that I forget this so isn't about me. The song from yesterday talked about sitting with Jesus and just laying back on his chest and feeling the heartbeat of God. That is what I want from all of this. I want to feel the heartbeat of God and know that I have done everything He wanted from me.

The First 24-or so

Well it has been about 28 hours since the end of my first chemo treatment. I have to say it has not been what I was expecting. I expected to leave the hospital feeling like crap and not feeling better for a couple of days. But luckily for me, I left with just a headache that I still haven't gotten rid of, but that is about it. I have had moments of not feeling great but I think it is because I can't seem to shake the headache. I got out and went to walmart with a friend this afternoon, it was good to see the sunshine. I think my biggest worry is that I know I am suppose to get sick or at least feel like I am going to get sick, but I haven't. I just wonder when and if I will get sick-it is just an uneasy feeling. Trust me I am totally ok with not ever getting sick!!! The plan for tomorrow (depending on how I feel when I wake up) is to go to the doctors office and get my shot of Nulasta-a drug designed to build up my blood counts. Then hopefully to the office for a while again always depending on how well I'm feeling. I have to start getting ready for the big state softball tournament in Cabot this weekend. This is the big STARS goal weekend-we want to walk out of there with the big hardware!! Not much news today, and that's a good thing. Will talk to you tomorrow and let you know how life is!!!

1 Down 15 To Go

Now if that title doesn't just lift your spirits, I don't know what will. For those of you that don't know me as well, I am just kidding. Yes there is a positive, I have one treatment behind me. And yes the negative is I have 15 more to go. (And that part stinks!!!!) Its about 9:45pm after my treatment that started at 2:45pm or so. Right now I have a huge headache that Tylenol won't even touch and my stomach has been a little upset but nothing major--yet. I hope not at all but we will just have to roll with the flow. They gave me several medicines in my IV before the chemo to try to prevent nausea-I can home feeling very "drug drunk", I staggered across the hospital parking lot like instead of chemo they had just shot straight liquor into that IV. Oh well that beat throwing up my toe nails across the parking lot. My husband has been home with me and will be tomorrow as well. He fixed me some dinner-plain chicken and he even ran the dishwasher (his halo may be pinching just a little). In all seriousness he has really taken great care of me and I love him more each day for his willingness to do so.
I did learn today that it may not actually take the 21 days for my hair to go, thank goodness my mom went by and ordered my wig for me today. I should have it in a week or so.
I thought I would post this tonight while I was feeling pretty descent, in case the morning was different. Just keep praying and hoping that I will not get too sick-I make a horrible patient!!

My Fab Five

Last night I was lucky enough to spend the evening with my "fab five". My "fab five" is a group of 5 amazing women that I have been friends with for various amounts of time. Some since grade school, others in high school and college, but the bond remains no matter how old we get. We may not talk on the phone every day, but at a moments notice I could call any or all of the five and they would be at my door-no questions asked. It always amazes me how these 5 personalities blend so well together, we have a couple conservative ones, the single one, and a couple more rowdy types. Yet no matter what is said during our get togethers, we all know that when we wake up in the morning that we all still love and need the group just the way it is. Last night we were missing one of my 5-hope Vegas was good to you T!! By the way I don't think we trash talked you at all. Let me explain the rules of the "girls nite". If you don't show up for whatever reason, you are what we call fair game. We can talk about you at length and there is nothing you can do about it. This rule is used as an insurance feature to make sure that most of the time we will all show up for the evening. Last night we talked about what all is going on with me and what the short term future holds. We talked, laughed and cried (thanks JH for starting that). They kept saying how strong I am and how they could not be like that if this was happening to them. What my "fab 5" doesn't understand is that I am not strong for them, I am strong because of them. Because I know that they believe that God is in control and even though we might not like the path he takes us on, all of us know in our hearts that this isn't about me or our group, it is about Him. Thanks girls for being my "Fab Five"!!

Why Not Me

Today I got both good news and news that I have been dreading. The good news was that all my scans from Wednesday came back good-there are no signs of cancer in any other parts of my body. The news I have been dreading is the start date for treatment-mainly the chemo. I have my first treatment on Tuesday the 16th. According to my doctor the first 24hrs after treatment can be the roughest as for nausea. It will take around 21 days after treatment starts to lose most of my hair. I knew that once I had an actual start date that my whole attitude about this would change. I have been struggling with the "why me" and then I think "why not me". Four years ago, my brother preached a sermon that basically said "why not me", he talked about that as Christians we are not exempt from having to go through difficult times, but what we do have, as Christians, is the means by which to survive the hard times if we rely on God. I know that God has a purpose and a reason for this "rain". I know that there is no way I can get through this on my own that He wants me to rely on Him and to trust Him. I found myself laying in bed not able to go to sleep(and that is so not like me) and then it was like I heard Him say read Colossians 4. I thought to myself that if I get up and read this and it doesn't pertain to what is going on I just may be going nuts--well I am not nuts. Col. 4 talks about devoting ourselves to prayer and knowing that whatever answer we get its what God deems best for us. I know that I have prayed and ask why me, why now, why...but I have not really been brought to my knees until tonight. I know that sounds strange, yes I have been diagnosed with breast cancer and yes I have had to have major surgery and yes I have to start treatments next week, but somehow I managed slide through all of that and not really give it all to God to take care of. I wasn't taking care of it, but I hadn't given it up either. But as of right this minute 12:05am, it is not mine anymore!

I Missed My Calling

I have said many times that I missed my calling. I love alot of different things that could have led me to different professions, I love blood and guts (as long as they don't belong to me), so I have often said I should have gone into the medical profession. Well today while I was at the local hospital getting another round of tests done, I tried out the medical transportation profession. At this hospital they have "transport" people that come and take you to where ever you need to go, I call them hand holders mainly because I don't do wheel chairs so basically these guys just walk me to where ever. For some unknown reason they let me take myself to the different departments and I even gave directions along the way. And just so we are all clear, medical transportation is not "my calling". It was a little boring and not really in the middle of the action like I like to be. With all that being said the tests went fine today and should have the results in a couple of days or so. I meet with the oncologist tomorrow and set a treatment start date. I hope this port site gets to feeling a little better before we go sticking needles in it. After laying on a couple of steel tables today for long periods of time, I could use a break in the action, if it is only for a few days. I need to actually go and work on my true calling, I haven't seen my office in the daylight in a week. I can do most of my stuff from home, which I have been doing, but still it would be nice to have a normal day-sitting at my desk and talking to my realtor buddies (in person-not on the phone).

One Step Closer

I am one step closer to starting treatment. Yesterday my doctor inserted an infuse a port. This will allow easier access to administer the chemo. I am really sore today, the port was put just under my collar bone on my left side. So I am back to not having a full range of motion in that arm-this drives me nuts, its a short term thing but still. Thank goodness for good doctors and good medicine!!! I will go in tomorrow and have my bone scan, CT scan and chest x-ray, and then on Thursday I will meet with my oncologist again to set a start date for treatment (which should be in the next few days). I have been staying busy with work, M and her softball, and just keeping a normal daily routine. We spent the weekend in NWA with M playing softball in a "Pitch for the Cure" tournament. Yes I even wore our team shirts that were light pink with the ribbon on them as well. It didn't bother me, this wasn't about me. I didn't look at it like it was drawing attention to me and what I am dealing with it, it was a benefit tournament, that just happened to be raising money for breast cancer. There are so many emotions that come with all of this, that sometimes I don't even know what I am feeling. Between being tired of just having to deal with everything, to the pain of procedures, to the anger and moodiness--this is a roller coaster I wish I didn't have to ride. I just keep telling myself that there is a reason and purpose for all of this. God has a bigger plan, more than I can understand and more than I need to know at this point, but all in His time.

On Schedule

The last few days have seemed like such a whirlwind of events. I got the call this morning that my surgeon will put my port in on Monday. I will have some blood work drawn this Friday to make sure all is good before another surgery. It is an in and out procedure. I check in at 11am on Monday, surgery will start 12:30 or 1pm, then an hour in recovery and off to the house I go. So if all this is done by next week then I should be on schedule to start treatments the next week. In a way I am ready to get started and get on with it and then on the other hand I just want to be able to stop and catch my breath for a moment. It just seems like so much so fast.

New Inspiration

Ok maybe the title of this post is a little over stated, but I finally found a breast cancer awareness T-shirt that I found funny and not annoying (actually my friend found it) it says "Save Second Base". Now with that being said I need to explain. In the stage of dealing with finding out about my cancer that I am in (anger), everything hacks me off. Mostly because I can't seem to escape for just a few minutes what I am up against. So over the last several weeks, I have developed a dislike for the color pink. Not because I am not 100% in favor of finding a cure for this-because believe me no one should ever have to go through this, but because everywhere I look I am reminded that this is what my life will be about for the next several months. So when people have ask about pink ribbons for this that or the other, I just politely say no thanks and go on. But I honestly could see myself in this shirt, not just because it is bringing awareness to a hell that so many women have to go through but it has a little humor, a little sarcasm and some personality to it--and for those of you that know me, know its a me shirt!! Yes I would be selective where I might wear the shirt, its more of a around the house deal. I wouldn't want to influence any small children in the wrong way or offend someone-but sometimes you just need a laugh. And this makes me laugh!!

The Plan

I said I wanted to know the plan, treatment plan that is, well I now know more than I really probably want to know. I met with my oncologist this morning. He went through all the details of what kind of cancer I have/had, to explain what he suggested we do now. I will have 2 different rounds of chemo. The first will contain 2 drugs and from what I gather have greater potential for side effects than the 2nd round. It will come in 4 sessions each of which are 3 weeks apart for a total of 12 weeks (round 1) then I get a month break, and then round 2. Round 2 consist of 1 drug whose side effects are not as bad and radiation will be done at the same time. This round of chemo is done once a week for 12 weeks and radiation is done 5 days a week for several of those weeks (not sure how many). This morning was an information overload so some of the above information is likely to be changed, but this is what I remember. I will have a bone scan, CT and chest x-ray next week and in the next couple of weeks they will also put in a port which will make receiving the chemo much easier.
I don't think I realized how long all of this would take-I think I was expecting 3 or 4 months not 6 or 7, but oh well. I feel very comfortable with the people I met this morning and what I am being advised to do. Treatments should start in a couple of weeks or so--I have decided that the sooner I start the sooner I will be done.