Sunshine

Thank goodness the sun is out today, it makes a great mood booster!! I am doing really good today. I can tell that I did quite a bit of moving around yesterday, I am really sore today but I am not taking anything for it. (At least not yet) Yesterday was both a good day and a rough day. As I posted yesterday, I found out that the cancer was in a couple of nodes and chemo is a sure thing, what I left out is that we had a serious communication gap in our house. Here is what happened. I went in for surgery-that would be the last thing I remember until Friday late morning. The gap occurred when I apparently ask the doctor questions and seemed awake and back to semi-normal late Thursday. I wasn't, I was still basically out of it. This time period is when the doc told me about the nodes, the future treatment and so forth. I did not remember anything or know anything until I received a couple of phone calls and an email yesterday about when I would talk to docs about pathology and such. I finally ask my family what these people were talking about and that is when we realized that I didn't remember any of the conversations that happened post surgery. It was like finding out all over again that I had breast cancer. I cried most of the morning, I got mad that the roughest of it was not behind me yet, and then I came to the realization that I can not change what is happening now or what is going to happen in the future and I think that for now I am cool with that. This has been a definite lesson learned. So if yesterdays post didn't make sense or sound complete, hopefully this will explain why. But today is a new day and I am feeling better every day. Thanks so much for all the prayers and well wishes!

I Survived!!

Well, I'm alive. I have survived the surgery, not having a ton of fun post-op, but I am home and dealing with the "aftermath". It has been a sore last few days. I am finally getting some ability to lift my arms above my head (kind of), I can't lift much more than a coffee cup, but totally taking advantage of my husband doing all the stuff around the house. He has been amazing--he waits on me hand and foot, I don't have to ask for anything. I can't imagine that when we met 21 years ago that we would be in this place today, but I couldn't have ask God for anyone better. I don't know a whole lot but here is what I do know. I know that there was cancer in a couple of the lymph nodes-so they took most if not all from under my right arm. This means that I will have to learn to do a lot with my left hand and be careful with my right from now on. I know that I will have to have chemo. Since the lymph nodes were positive-- it isn't an option. That part of the news really set my mood back but I just have to think that better safe than sorry. No need to take any chances. This is totally something that I will recover from and I will listen to the doctors that know how to make that happen. That is about the extent of what I know at this time, I should learn more Thursday at my next doctors appointment.

Here Goes Nothing

It is the night before surgery, the house is clean (I use that term loosely), I have tanned, the nails are done and the bags are packed, I guess I am as ready as one can be-so here goes nothing. I am not as nervous as I thought I would be. I have no idea what to expect once I wake up after surgery, but I am determined to look at the long term goals.
1. I will be cancer free when this process is over.
2. I will have boobs again.
3. I will be a changed person and hopefully a better one.
These 3 simple things are enough of to focus on for now. I know that God has a plan for me, He is in control and I am not. I know that he has promised to be with me always and everywhere. I am good with just knowing these things. So between what I know and what I am looking ahead to, I am truly ok.

Countdown

I had a great Mother's Day weekend, it started with softball on Saturday (that makes any weekend great) and ended with a day spent with family. I was thankful not to have too much down time, I am just trying to stay busy and not think about the fact that surgery is 3 days away. The worry comes in waves-it is so strange that one minute I am fine, going about my day like nothing is going on, and then bam-I can't think of anything else and the worry and fear seem like more than I care to handle. I have found it very hard the last few days to talk about what is to come in the next few days/weeks, I can make jokes and keep it light hearted but when someone wants to really talk or I have to tell the story to someone that doesn't know-I am finding it harder to "tell the facts" and move on--its that wave thing again. Example, yesterday at church I had a friend that didn't know (how they slipped through the cracks of info I don't know) so I told her what was going on and I was fine-but after church when we had a moment to actually talk, I couldn't-so what did I do...I bolted. I just couldn't look 1 more person in the eye as they wished me well and said that they would pray for me. Its not that I don't appreciate the thoughts and prayers it just makes it so much more real and reminds me just how close surgery really is. I just keep reminding myself--1 day at a time. There will be an end to this, it will not last forever-but it will change me forever.

What a Mood

The title says it all. My mood has been all over the place lately. Most of the time I can control whatever mood strikes. I can smile when I don't want to, I can say "I'm fine" when in fact I am about to go postal over nothing-at least most of the time. And yes, alot of the time I am in a pretty good mood considering all that is going on. Yesterday however, was not one of those managed mood days. I was totally hacked off yesterday and most everyone who was around me, talked to me or had any type of contact with me--knew it. I had let my guard down and really let myself think and talk about what is going on and it took all day yesterday to recover from that. With that being said, I do feel better today and have a better perspective of how this is changing my life. I know that God created me, all of me, like he wanted, knowing full well that this would happen and that I would deal with it in a wide range of emotions. I wasn't prepared for the roller coaster ride of emotions, it has taken me a little by surprise. But a good friend and I decided last night that "one day at a time" was the only option we have of dealing with "Rain". We don't control the when, where and how and worrying about it won't change it either. We rest in knowing that we serve a mighty God, who thankfully is in control.

Way too much to do!

So I decided I was going to make a list of all the things that I needed to get done before surgery. (And I hate lists) For one it is a reminder that I have not been keeping up with things around the house and secondly, lists just totally overwhelms me-its like there is no end to what needs done. Sure you get to mark things off the list, but I always seem to think of 2 more things to put on that same list. Anyway, I decided to start working on that list since softball was a wash this weekend. 7 loads of laundry-the typical clothes and bedding and misc stuff that just stays in the laundry basket. I felt good until I realized that it will all have to be redone next weekend and truthfully I will be doing laundry the night before surgery. I started cleaning house and came to the same realization I did about the laundry. It is a never ending cycle!! So yesterday, the only housework I did was to ask my husband to start the dishwasher. I don't mind that kind of work.
I have just come to the conclusion that there is a lot to do and not a ton of time to do it in, but I will just finish what I can and know that its not the end of the world if the list isn't completed.

Waiting

All I feel like I am doing is waiting. Waiting for surgery, waiting to see just how bad this deal really is, waiting to see if there will be more treatment after surgery (and what kind). Its not a panicked wait it is more an annoying wait. I just want to get on with it, lets get this figured out, make a plan and get started!! I explained, in 10 year old terms, about my surgery to M. I explained it in a way that hopefully was not scary, but more light-hearted. I want to be upfront with her as far as when I come home from surgery she isn't shocked that she has bigger boobs than I do. Hopefully not for an extended amount of time, either!! I want her to have an idea of what is coming, but not feel the fear and anxiety about all of this. She is handling things very well, she is a smart little girl, I don't think I give her enough credit--its just the mother wanting to protect her baby. Thank goodness for softball-we have a tournament in Clarksville this weekend that should more than keep my mind occupied. I love every minute I spend watching her play and hopefully won't have to miss to much of it after surgery. I can't believe how fast she is growing up-but she is totally the reason I don't mind waiting!