No Dust Settling Here

I have been blowing and going so much lately that I completely forgot about this blog! I ran into a friend the other day that said "you need to update your blog-I need some new reading". So here goes. Health wise I am great! I don't go back to the doctor until the end of May-its every 3 months for the next 2-3 years (oh doesn't that sound fun). I am gaining energy daily. I notice that I can go longer and not get as wiped out as in months past. I do still get "chemo" tired, but those days come in spurts and are being more spread out. I have really been struggling with how I can help/give back to people struggling with cancer or other traumatic things. I have such a different outlook on life, illness and recovery, now than I did before. I know what helped me, what didn't and that everyone is different but we all need someone to talk, vent to, or cry with. It has become a desire of my heart to be there for people in similar situations to mine. If any of you know of someone that might need to talk to someone "who has been there", please always feel free to contact me or give them my number or email. I know what a help my friends who had been there were to me and what a comfort to know what was coming and ways to help me get through it. Every one deserves that comfort.

What's Up

I really don't know much new. I have so been enjoying the nice weather and all that comes with it: cleaning out the flower beds, cutting shrubs, softball and selling houses. I have been truly blessed with work and tons of it! Today I had a realtor open house and had tons of agents through. M had volleyball practice today and our last tournament is this weekend in Joplin. I can honestly say I am still tired from this past weekend of volleyball, but so thankful that I am able to enjoy watching her play. I guess the biggest thing I am struggling with is the fact that I can go back to life as normal, but I don't have the energy for all of that yet. I feel good and I start working or playing and it is no time at all and I am exhausted!! My brain doesn't understand why my body can't keep up???!!!?!? The no hormone thing is getting a little old as well-hot flashes, really? I have more sympathy for women in this condition than I ever could have imagined. NOT complaining- I'm alive and well!
I heard the song today that this blog is named after. I haven't heard it in a long time and it was crazy how it made me feel. It talks about bringing on the rain, whatever it takes to bring HIM glory. That used to scare me, I wasn't scared today. I knew that I could survive the rain and that if any part of my journey brought HIM glory, then it was well worth it. I have met so many people and got to share my story and hear theirs. Don't misunderstand, I don't want to have to go through anything like this again, but I see so much more now than before.

Open Eyes

Through out this process of surgery, treatment and post treatment, I have often ask myself what I was suppose to learn from this. I know I may not know every reason for this or everyone that it effected, but today I did learn one very valuable thing. This morning I received a phone call from a person that I consider a friend. Granted we don't often get to hang out or talk every day, but friend-yes! This morning she called me worried that she had offended me in a conversation when in all actuality she had really helped me and let me talk about some things. Talk about living the kind of life we should all be living. She was worried about some one else's feelings and no matter how awkward the call she needed to make sure that we were ok. It made me realize just how self absorbed I am. I want to be more like her, I want to think of others way before myself. I learned today that God has put amazing people in my life. How grateful I am for those people and what they teach me every day. My prayer is Lord open my eyes, let me see others needs, others feelings and most important Your will. Thank you JJ for being my friend!

Released

It is a very strange feeling to be doing the day to day things with limited doctor visits. I am feeling really good except the occasional "chemo tired" that comes from not taking the time to let my body heal (I do not have patience). I played catch at M's softball practice the other nite, it felt SOOO good. I felt normal, no one treating me like I was one step away from falling over from exhaustion or having to make sure that a ball wasn't going to hit me (which one did in the foot-it hurt but I loved it). My hair is still growing, this short do is driving me nuts! Its not me, I have long hair that stays up in a ponytail or messy bun. I have hidden behind that hair all my life and feel very naked without it. I have been back to the tanning bed as well-more happiness for me. The only thing I love more than my long hair and softball is the tanning bed. It is my 12 minutes of sunshine and nap time all in one!!
Overall, I feel great and am enjoying normal living!

I Can't Take It Anymore!

I am referring to my wig. Yes today I actually left my house just wearing my own hair! It is extremely short, but colored and I feel totally naked but I don't have on that blasted wig. Don't get me wrong I am very thankful I had my wig, for my grandparents who bought it and everyone who said they couldn't tell it was a wig. It was driving me crazy though! When my hair started to grow back in, it was so thick but fine that my wig wouldn't stay on my head right, so I was always checking it, pulling on it and lets not talk about the fact it tangled just by looking at it. My biggest goal through all of this (other than living) was not looking like I had cancer and my wig helped in that area. I have really struggled with just wearing the short hair, because anyone who half way knows me, knows I would NEVER cut my hair off this short. So to me when people see me with short hair they will know I had cancer. Here is the stupid part about the previous statement, I don't care who knows. I have told more people about my cancer than any other subject, this past year. I just don't want someone to look at me and say "oh she must have/had cancer". Truthfully I don't want to look at my short hair and be reminded either, but I just couldn't make myself put on that wig today!

It's Over or Is It?

So many times lately I have heard the statement "Aren't you glad it's over?". At first that comment irritated me, but lately it has just made me think more about the intentions of those making the comments instead of the comment itself. I am not sure when this whole deal will feel over to me. There are so many things that I am still dealing with on a daily basis that it is definitely not over yet. Yes, treatment is over and for that I am grateful. I plan to take a few months to let my body heal and to let my mind relax before I start reconstruction. Between now and then I still have to deal with and live with the reality of recovering from breast cancer and all that brings. I have struggled with wondering why I needed to go through this process. What did God want to do with me, what was I suppose to learn, or how was He going to use this for His good? And for those of you who know me, I am not always the most patient person in the world. I know that I may not have the answers to all of those questions but seriously throw me a bone, give me an idea, a hint--something. I was reading a devotional book (given to me by another survivor) and there it was on the day I needed it-a positive. The book said to think about the fact that God comforts us to teach us how to be a comfort to others. That He teaches us through our pain how to help others going through similar situations. I can live with that (like I have a choice) but really I can begin to get over some of the anger if I can focus on the fact that maybe God will use me to comfort and relate to others going through this. Would I have chosen this path to teach me compassion-no. But who would? It was like Ed said in his sermon a couple of weeks ago-if I knew what I would have to go through I might not have chosen to follow him, but fortunately for me He knows what it will take to accomplish His will, not me.

First Post Treatment Check Up

Today I went for my first check up, post treatment. I had to go to the regular lab to get my blood drawn since they took my port out last week when they did my hysterectomy. It was strange to go into a place that I have been going to for 6 months and have to ask "where is the lab" one would think I should know. My blood counts came back good or at least like they are suppose to, the doc said it is time to go back to being "normal". Once I am cleared to lift and such I can start exercising more and building strength back especially in my arm that have become so weak. My doc also said that I can play softball this year!!! That is like telling me I am healed. I have missed playing so much and to be told I can play again is such a boost for the spirit!! I don't have to go back to the oncologist for 2 months. So for now it is back normal life!