Open Eyes

Through out this process of surgery, treatment and post treatment, I have often ask myself what I was suppose to learn from this. I know I may not know every reason for this or everyone that it effected, but today I did learn one very valuable thing. This morning I received a phone call from a person that I consider a friend. Granted we don't often get to hang out or talk every day, but friend-yes! This morning she called me worried that she had offended me in a conversation when in all actuality she had really helped me and let me talk about some things. Talk about living the kind of life we should all be living. She was worried about some one else's feelings and no matter how awkward the call she needed to make sure that we were ok. It made me realize just how self absorbed I am. I want to be more like her, I want to think of others way before myself. I learned today that God has put amazing people in my life. How grateful I am for those people and what they teach me every day. My prayer is Lord open my eyes, let me see others needs, others feelings and most important Your will. Thank you JJ for being my friend!

Released

It is a very strange feeling to be doing the day to day things with limited doctor visits. I am feeling really good except the occasional "chemo tired" that comes from not taking the time to let my body heal (I do not have patience). I played catch at M's softball practice the other nite, it felt SOOO good. I felt normal, no one treating me like I was one step away from falling over from exhaustion or having to make sure that a ball wasn't going to hit me (which one did in the foot-it hurt but I loved it). My hair is still growing, this short do is driving me nuts! Its not me, I have long hair that stays up in a ponytail or messy bun. I have hidden behind that hair all my life and feel very naked without it. I have been back to the tanning bed as well-more happiness for me. The only thing I love more than my long hair and softball is the tanning bed. It is my 12 minutes of sunshine and nap time all in one!!
Overall, I feel great and am enjoying normal living!

I Can't Take It Anymore!

I am referring to my wig. Yes today I actually left my house just wearing my own hair! It is extremely short, but colored and I feel totally naked but I don't have on that blasted wig. Don't get me wrong I am very thankful I had my wig, for my grandparents who bought it and everyone who said they couldn't tell it was a wig. It was driving me crazy though! When my hair started to grow back in, it was so thick but fine that my wig wouldn't stay on my head right, so I was always checking it, pulling on it and lets not talk about the fact it tangled just by looking at it. My biggest goal through all of this (other than living) was not looking like I had cancer and my wig helped in that area. I have really struggled with just wearing the short hair, because anyone who half way knows me, knows I would NEVER cut my hair off this short. So to me when people see me with short hair they will know I had cancer. Here is the stupid part about the previous statement, I don't care who knows. I have told more people about my cancer than any other subject, this past year. I just don't want someone to look at me and say "oh she must have/had cancer". Truthfully I don't want to look at my short hair and be reminded either, but I just couldn't make myself put on that wig today!

It's Over or Is It?

So many times lately I have heard the statement "Aren't you glad it's over?". At first that comment irritated me, but lately it has just made me think more about the intentions of those making the comments instead of the comment itself. I am not sure when this whole deal will feel over to me. There are so many things that I am still dealing with on a daily basis that it is definitely not over yet. Yes, treatment is over and for that I am grateful. I plan to take a few months to let my body heal and to let my mind relax before I start reconstruction. Between now and then I still have to deal with and live with the reality of recovering from breast cancer and all that brings. I have struggled with wondering why I needed to go through this process. What did God want to do with me, what was I suppose to learn, or how was He going to use this for His good? And for those of you who know me, I am not always the most patient person in the world. I know that I may not have the answers to all of those questions but seriously throw me a bone, give me an idea, a hint--something. I was reading a devotional book (given to me by another survivor) and there it was on the day I needed it-a positive. The book said to think about the fact that God comforts us to teach us how to be a comfort to others. That He teaches us through our pain how to help others going through similar situations. I can live with that (like I have a choice) but really I can begin to get over some of the anger if I can focus on the fact that maybe God will use me to comfort and relate to others going through this. Would I have chosen this path to teach me compassion-no. But who would? It was like Ed said in his sermon a couple of weeks ago-if I knew what I would have to go through I might not have chosen to follow him, but fortunately for me He knows what it will take to accomplish His will, not me.

First Post Treatment Check Up

Today I went for my first check up, post treatment. I had to go to the regular lab to get my blood drawn since they took my port out last week when they did my hysterectomy. It was strange to go into a place that I have been going to for 6 months and have to ask "where is the lab" one would think I should know. My blood counts came back good or at least like they are suppose to, the doc said it is time to go back to being "normal". Once I am cleared to lift and such I can start exercising more and building strength back especially in my arm that have become so weak. My doc also said that I can play softball this year!!! That is like telling me I am healed. I have missed playing so much and to be told I can play again is such a boost for the spirit!! I don't have to go back to the oncologist for 2 months. So for now it is back normal life!

Did I Happen to Mention?

Did I happen to mention that I don't have to go to treatment today? It is so strange to be in the office on a Tuesday. It has been 6 months since I have listened to the girls discuss what realtors open house they are going to go have lunch. (mostly based on what is being served where) It seems like forever since I didn't have to arrange to be dropped off or picked up or sat with on a Tuesday. My sweet hubby called me this morning and said "just in case you forgot you don't have chemo today" as if in my house we would ever forget that. He thought he was so funny-and it was. It is only now that I look back and see just how consumed our lives have been by all of this. As I was going through treatment, I rationalized it by saying its only Tuesdays or its only 6 months or 6 weeks but in all reality it was everyday all day long. This is a strange transition time, you go from everyday all day doing something to get rid of or keep from getting cancer to nothing all of the sudden. It makes you feel like you have been dropped like a hot potato. I can't wrap my mind around it taking up so much time to taking up so little-and all of the sudden. Don't get me wrong I don't miss it or want to go back in time, but it almost feels like I am forgetting something.

Goodbye Chemo!!

I am officially done with chemo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Those are some of the sweetest words I thought I might not ever hear. It is hard to believe that I am finished with all my chemo treatments. It sounded like I would be taking them forever when I first started. I am so ready for my vision to return to normal (a side effect of the steroids given with chemo), I am ready for this port to be taken out (dec 21st) and I am ready to begin the healing process. I am physically and emotionally drained from this past year and I am so looking forward to 2010 and putting life back together and back to normal. I am looking forward to spending time with my family, not sitting on the sidelines and watching life but getting in there and being a part of it. I am ready to see what comes next and know that I am stronger for what has been.