The Rain

One Week Post-Op

2011-04-12T14:03:00.002-05:00

I am one week post-op(give or take a day) and all is going relatively well. Surgery was a breeze, I went in at 7:30am and was on my way home by 10:45am. I was really sore Thursday and part of Friday but that has gone away for the most part. I do have some strange "reaction" rash, we don't know if it was a prep thing, bandage thing, or a drug thing (my choice), so we are changing things up a little to see if this will go away. I feel really good, I have been able to drive, go to softball practice and my regular routine. If I could just get someone in my house to run the vacuum, life would be wonderful (they walk around without looking down-kind of like if I don't see the dirt then its not really there!!). I can say that this part of the "process" has been the easiest so far!

IT'S A LANDMARK DAY!!

2011-03-16T12:49:00.002-05:00

I went to the oncologist yesterday for my 3 month checkup. I had my blood drawn and talked to the doctor, my initial blood work was good and she told me she would text me the full lab report later in the day. (I keep a copy of every report, xray etc.) So when I got to work this morning the report was on my desk. And for the first time in 2 years all my counts are normal!!! There is not a single "high" or "low" beside any of the counts. I know it may not seem like such a big deal, but for the first time in a long time everything is as it should be!

A New Boob!!

2011-03-10T14:36:00.002-06:00

So I went to the plastics doc on Tuesday. I had really enjoyed the last few weeks of no doctors appointments but oh well, we gotta finish sometime. So the next surgery is scheduled April 7th. This will be a short and simple deal. He is going to remove the tissue expander on the left side and replace it with an implant!! He has decided not to do anything with the right side this time, that surgery will be more invasive and he says one's body can only handle so much at one time. I won't have to stay overnight and that is good, I much prefer my own bed. He had been to a conference on breast cancer and was on fire about new things to help with the reconstruction and healing from surgeries. I compare it to a "revival" for surgeons! Those of you who grew up going to church know what I mean, after a good revival one tends to be pretty fired up!
I have been talking to a woman recently diagnosed with breast cancer, though a different type than mine, still a similar process. It has made me go back and think about the emotions that I went through. Remembering the uncertainty of it all, asking yourself if your doing the right thing, and just wanting it to hurry up and all be over. I am thankful for where I am today, grateful for the journey that brought me here and hopeful in where God is taking me.

Long Time No Post!!

2011-02-28T13:46:00.002-06:00

I am so sorry that I dropped off the face of the "blog" earth. Life has been such a whirlwind that I hadn't realized that I haven't posted since September. Well here is an update--the short sweet version. Over the last few months the plastics doctor has stretched the skin on my left side to its fullest. Then he has taken off the last 7 weeks to let it settle and stretch (while he had his own medical issues dealt with). So I go back the first week in March to talk about the next step in the process-taking the expander out, putting the implant in and making these two lumps on my chest actually look like boobs!! In my last post I complained about having a "d" boob and an "a" boob, well now that they are the same size they just need to be on the same level and look somewhat alike. I am feeling good and have enjoyed the break of not having weekly doctors appointment, I have struggled a little with my iron levels but that should be under control. I have been reminded a lot lately about what all I have been through and how blessed I am to be where I am at now. Talking with people who are just beginning their journey or those who are farther along than I, each day is a gift.

Getting There!

2010-09-21T12:44:00.002-05:00

I am 6 1/2 weeks post surgery and today my blood counts are finally starting to rebound. I say that only to tell you that they took 7 viles of blood today so all that progress could be down the drain!!! Seriously though the doctor said that my blood counts are rebounding pretty quickly and all will be fine there.
As for reconstruction, I got thrown a HUGE curve ball on Friday. I went in for my weekly "filling" and then got told that my doctor has to have surgery and will be off for 6 weeks. Therefore, I will also have a 6 week delay in my "process" as the doc likes to refer to this as! Can you say hacked off!! Its not that I don't want the doc to feel better, I just don't want to have to wait to have boobs the same size. See right now I have 1-"D" and 1-"A-" not easy to pull off clothing when they are that different in size! The necrosis is still healing and is not bothering me as much, but we've decided to let it heal on its own instead of trying to sew it up again, so this will add weeks to the healing process as well. I am running a little short on patience with this whole reconstruction stuff. I keep reminding myself it's not about me, but dang it, it's getting old quick!
I saw a quote today on a friends fb that put a great new spin on an old quote. We've all been told that God doesn't give us more than we can handle--well that is not true. He does give us more than we can handle to we will rely on HIM!!

I Never Would Have Guessed

2010-08-30T14:12:00.003-05:00

It has been 3 1/2 weeks since my first surgery for reconstruction. The doctor said that this would be a difficult surgery as far as recovery, but I would have never guessed it would have knocked me down like it has. At the end of 3 weeks, I am still not working full days (so not like me), I had a check up with the oncologist who informed me that I am VERY anemic. This would explain the no energy and the need to sleep for long periods of time. My incision is giving me a few problems, they say not to worry about it, but when the explanation of what is happening is that some of the fatty tissue is dying--it leaves a very unsettling feeling with you. I can say that I am emotionally spent. I have said on more than one occasion that had I known how difficult this would be, I'm not sure I would have been so eager to have done this. I know it is just the tired and emotional part of me saying this, but really lets get on with it. They start tomorrow adding saline to my tissue expander (that should feel great!!) but it is one step closer to being done. I don't like to complain on here, moaning and groaning it not me. But I want to be honest-this isn't all peaches and light, but I am surviving and God is good!

10 Days and Counting

2010-07-26T12:34:00.002-05:00

I have 10 days until my first surgery in the reconstruction process. I haven't decided whether to be excited or nervous to the point of throwing up. No seriously, I am totally excited about starting the process, I am nervous regarding how I am going to feel, how painful it is going to be and how long it will take be to get up and around. I don't do "down" well. I am excited to get this process underway. In my mind it is the beginning of the end. The end of treating/dealing/waking up with reminders of cancer. I know that I will still have scars: emotional scars, physical scars and even some spiritual scars, but knowing that I am as put back together as I can be, will let those scars be positive reminders of my journey. They will teach me more compassion for others, to be cautious with my words, to love unconditionally and to always look for ways to help others. I am ready to have my life back. I am ready to live each day with a new sense of purpose. I am ready to just be "Leigh", not "Leigh that's been through cancer".

Gearing Up!

2010-06-29T14:07:00.002-05:00

Well, I am getting ready to go at it again! I should be able to start my reconstruction at the end of July. This comes only after going round and round with my doctors office. Once they realized I was talking to my insurance company and they couldn't blame it on "waiting on insurance" things are moving. I just want to get this started so it can be OVER!!!! I really don't think many people in the medical field understand this concept. I am tired of the daily reminders of all I had to endure last year, I want to put myself back together and move on!!!! The surgery has pros and cons. Pros like new boobs, a tummy tuck and cons like 2-3 days in a hospital (yuck), 2-3 weeks down time (I don't do down well) and I can't forget quite a bit of pain from what I've heard. So yes I am excited to get started and dreading it all at the same time.
On the bright side, I am so totally enjoying my summer! M is playing a ton of softball, I have gotten to play a few times myself (that will prove your age to you) and working like there is no tomorrow.

Summer is Here

2010-06-08T12:48:00.002-05:00

Summer means one thing in my house--we are never home!! There is always something: softball (mine or M's), church activities, sport camps, throw in a little work and some family time and yes we are never home. This is my favorite time of year and I have really gotten to enjoy this one. Two summers ago I had back surgery and last year, well we all know how my last summer was, so this has been a wonderful change.
My last post, I was still a little traumatized. But round two with the plastics man is next week and I think I am a little more prepared for what he wants to do. I have talked to several people and doctors all of whom were not surprised with the "plan" and actually said that was good. So now I just need to figure out the timing!

The Plastics Man

2010-05-11T11:06:00.003-05:00

Today is my first appointment with a plastic surgeon. I have been so excited about this up until today. I think I may truly throw up! I couldn't figure out why I felt so sick all the sudden? Where had all the excitement gone? Then a co-worker said, "hello-its like here we go again, another doctor, another surgery (or three or four), another...." And she is right, I truly want to meet this doctor and start this process, it is the last of the steps to not having to think about this everyday or being reminded every time you change clothes or take a shower that you have survived a major event. But this very minute, I want to puke!! I have a list of questions for the doctor, a timeline in my head (that hopefully he can make happen), and for the most part I know what to expect. Its not my first surgery, I have had drains before, I just don't know what or why I am so nervous? I learn more and more everyday about myself through all of this, somethings I like and some not so much. I know today that I can just trust in God for a calmness, for a wisdom to make sound decisions as far as doctors and treatment, and for a smooth reconstruction process all together.

Mother's Day is a Comin!

2010-05-04T12:34:00.002-05:00

This blog has so been about cancer and my journey through it, that I just wanted to take time and say thanks to my mom. I have always been the "daddy's girl" and everyone knows that, but this last year my mom and I have developed a closer relationship. She has been there throughout the surgeries, treatments, mood swings and all that came with the cancer. She has been a great distraction for M, to keep her from worrying. I just don't often take the time to tell her how much she means to me. How much she has helped me through this process. Make sure you take the time to tell you mom how much she means to you. Tell her how much you love her. We are not promised tomorrow so take advantage of the now.

My Bucket!

2010-04-27T14:41:00.003-05:00

This is a close-up of my bucket. The bucket is part of a partnership that KFC is doing with the Susan G. Komen foundation for breast cancer awareness. The buckets are being distributed from April 23 thru May 23, check out the link at www.bucketsforthecure.com . Not only is my name on a bucket by I was also fortunate enough to do an interview for Channel 5 about my personal story. It will air on Thursday at 5pm. Up to this point I have been anti pink ribbon, not because I don't believe in the cause but more because I was just not to "that place" in my dealing with breast cancer. I totally believe and know the importance of research, awareness, education and medical treatment when it comes to breast cancer, I just didn't want to be defined by a pink ribbon. I will have to say it is pretty cool to see your name associated with a campaign like this, and know that I am where I am because and in spite of it. Having had breast cancer has given so many opportunities to talk with others, hear their stories and hopefully help some going through cancer now.

Not What I Expected

2010-04-14T12:57:00.002-05:00

Today marks a very important day in my life. One year ago today, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. One year ago today, I thought my world had fallen completely apart. I have never felt fear like what I felt that day. Never felt so uncertain, never so completely out of control. Over the last year I have been shown many times that I am not in control and that is good. I really thought today would be a "happy" day. One that I could look back and say Wooooohoooo, I made it. It has totally not been that at all. I have felt all the fear rush back in, the total sadness of the diagnosis, the complete out of control feeling. I know that God is in control, that He loves me and he will provide for me. I just didn't expect to feel that sadness again. I didn't expect to have to relive all the emotions of the past year. As I sit here, my eyes filled with tears, I know that today is not only a reminder of what has been, but of who has gotten me through. I completely know in my heart that these feelings are a reminder from God that says "You will always need me". Just because the rain has stopped doesn't not mean that you can do it on your own. So as confused as I am by the feelings there is a deep understanding as well. I am saved by nothing more or less than the grace of God, nothing I can do or say will get me further. Thank you God for giving me this day, this past year and hopefully many more to come!

No Dust Settling Here

2010-03-31T16:00:00.003-05:00

I have been blowing and going so much lately that I completely forgot about this blog! I ran into a friend the other day that said "you need to update your blog-I need some new reading". So here goes. Health wise I am great! I don't go back to the doctor until the end of May-its every 3 months for the next 2-3 years (oh doesn't that sound fun). I am gaining energy daily. I notice that I can go longer and not get as wiped out as in months past. I do still get "chemo" tired, but those days come in spurts and are being more spread out. I have really been struggling with how I can help/give back to people struggling with cancer or other traumatic things. I have such a different outlook on life, illness and recovery, now than I did before. I know what helped me, what didn't and that everyone is different but we all need someone to talk, vent to, or cry with. It has become a desire of my heart to be there for people in similar situations to mine. If any of you know of someone that might need to talk to someone "who has been there", please always feel free to contact me or give them my number or email. I know what a help my friends who had been there were to me and what a comfort to know what was coming and ways to help me get through it. Every one deserves that comfort.

What's Up

2010-03-09T20:47:00.002-06:00

I really don't know much new. I have so been enjoying the nice weather and all that comes with it: cleaning out the flower beds, cutting shrubs, softball and selling houses. I have been truly blessed with work and tons of it! Today I had a realtor open house and had tons of agents through. M had volleyball practice today and our last tournament is this weekend in Joplin. I can honestly say I am still tired from this past weekend of volleyball, but so thankful that I am able to enjoy watching her play. I guess the biggest thing I am struggling with is the fact that I can go back to life as normal, but I don't have the energy for all of that yet. I feel good and I start working or playing and it is no time at all and I am exhausted!! My brain doesn't understand why my body can't keep up???!!!?!? The no hormone thing is getting a little old as well-hot flashes, really? I have more sympathy for women in this condition than I ever could have imagined. NOT complaining- I'm alive and well!
I heard the song today that this blog is named after. I haven't heard it in a long time and it was crazy how it made me feel. It talks about bringing on the rain, whatever it takes to bring HIM glory. That used to scare me, I wasn't scared today. I knew that I could survive the rain and that if any part of my journey brought HIM glory, then it was well worth it. I have met so many people and got to share my story and hear theirs. Don't misunderstand, I don't want to have to go through anything like this again, but I see so much more now than before.

Open Eyes

2010-02-22T12:27:00.002-06:00

Through out this process of surgery, treatment and post treatment, I have often ask myself what I was suppose to learn from this. I know I may not know every reason for this or everyone that it effected, but today I did learn one very valuable thing. This morning I received a phone call from a person that I consider a friend. Granted we don't often get to hang out or talk every day, but friend-yes! This morning she called me worried that she had offended me in a conversation when in all actuality she had really helped me and let me talk about some things. Talk about living the kind of life we should all be living. She was worried about some one else's feelings and no matter how awkward the call she needed to make sure that we were ok. It made me realize just how self absorbed I am. I want to be more like her, I want to think of others way before myself. I learned today that God has put amazing people in my life. How grateful I am for those people and what they teach me every day. My prayer is Lord open my eyes, let me see others needs, others feelings and most important Your will. Thank you JJ for being my friend!

Released

2010-02-19T10:29:00.002-06:00

It is a very strange feeling to be doing the day to day things with limited doctor visits. I am feeling really good except the occasional "chemo tired" that comes from not taking the time to let my body heal (I do not have patience). I played catch at M's softball practice the other nite, it felt SOOO good. I felt normal, no one treating me like I was one step away from falling over from exhaustion or having to make sure that a ball wasn't going to hit me (which one did in the foot-it hurt but I loved it). My hair is still growing, this short do is driving me nuts! Its not me, I have long hair that stays up in a ponytail or messy bun. I have hidden behind that hair all my life and feel very naked without it. I have been back to the tanning bed as well-more happiness for me. The only thing I love more than my long hair and softball is the tanning bed. It is my 12 minutes of sunshine and nap time all in one!!
Overall, I feel great and am enjoying normal living!

I Can't Take It Anymore!

2010-01-27T09:36:00.002-06:00

I am referring to my wig. Yes today I actually left my house just wearing my own hair! It is extremely short, but colored and I feel totally naked but I don't have on that blasted wig. Don't get me wrong I am very thankful I had my wig, for my grandparents who bought it and everyone who said they couldn't tell it was a wig. It was driving me crazy though! When my hair started to grow back in, it was so thick but fine that my wig wouldn't stay on my head right, so I was always checking it, pulling on it and lets not talk about the fact it tangled just by looking at it. My biggest goal through all of this (other than living) was not looking like I had cancer and my wig helped in that area. I have really struggled with just wearing the short hair, because anyone who half way knows me, knows I would NEVER cut my hair off this short. So to me when people see me with short hair they will know I had cancer. Here is the stupid part about the previous statement, I don't care who knows. I have told more people about my cancer than any other subject, this past year. I just don't want someone to look at me and say "oh she must have/had cancer". Truthfully I don't want to look at my short hair and be reminded either, but I just couldn't make myself put on that wig today!

It's Over or Is It?

2010-01-12T18:57:00.002-06:00

So many times lately I have heard the statement "Aren't you glad it's over?". At first that comment irritated me, but lately it has just made me think more about the intentions of those making the comments instead of the comment itself. I am not sure when this whole deal will feel over to me. There are so many things that I am still dealing with on a daily basis that it is definitely not over yet. Yes, treatment is over and for that I am grateful. I plan to take a few months to let my body heal and to let my mind relax before I start reconstruction. Between now and then I still have to deal with and live with the reality of recovering from breast cancer and all that brings. I have struggled with wondering why I needed to go through this process. What did God want to do with me, what was I suppose to learn, or how was He going to use this for His good? And for those of you who know me, I am not always the most patient person in the world. I know that I may not have the answers to all of those questions but seriously throw me a bone, give me an idea, a hint--something. I was reading a devotional book (given to me by another survivor) and there it was on the day I needed it-a positive. The book said to think about the fact that God comforts us to teach us how to be a comfort to others. That He teaches us through our pain how to help others going through similar situations. I can live with that (like I have a choice) but really I can begin to get over some of the anger if I can focus on the fact that maybe God will use me to comfort and relate to others going through this. Would I have chosen this path to teach me compassion-no. But who would? It was like Ed said in his sermon a couple of weeks ago-if I knew what I would have to go through I might not have chosen to follow him, but fortunately for me He knows what it will take to accomplish His will, not me.

First Post Treatment Check Up

2009-12-29T13:05:00.002-06:00

Today I went for my first check up, post treatment. I had to go to the regular lab to get my blood drawn since they took my port out last week when they did my hysterectomy. It was strange to go into a place that I have been going to for 6 months and have to ask "where is the lab" one would think I should know. My blood counts came back good or at least like they are suppose to, the doc said it is time to go back to being "normal". Once I am cleared to lift and such I can start exercising more and building strength back especially in my arm that have become so weak. My doc also said that I can play softball this year!!! That is like telling me I am healed. I have missed playing so much and to be told I can play again is such a boost for the spirit!! I don't have to go back to the oncologist for 2 months. So for now it is back normal life!

Did I Happen to Mention?

2009-12-08T11:24:00.002-06:00

Did I happen to mention that I don't have to go to treatment today? It is so strange to be in the office on a Tuesday. It has been 6 months since I have listened to the girls discuss what realtors open house they are going to go have lunch. (mostly based on what is being served where) It seems like forever since I didn't have to arrange to be dropped off or picked up or sat with on a Tuesday. My sweet hubby called me this morning and said "just in case you forgot you don't have chemo today" as if in my house we would ever forget that. He thought he was so funny-and it was. It is only now that I look back and see just how consumed our lives have been by all of this. As I was going through treatment, I rationalized it by saying its only Tuesdays or its only 6 months or 6 weeks but in all reality it was everyday all day long. This is a strange transition time, you go from everyday all day doing something to get rid of or keep from getting cancer to nothing all of the sudden. It makes you feel like you have been dropped like a hot potato. I can't wrap my mind around it taking up so much time to taking up so little-and all of the sudden. Don't get me wrong I don't miss it or want to go back in time, but it almost feels like I am forgetting something.

Goodbye Chemo!!

2009-12-03T10:50:00.002-06:00

I am officially done with chemo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Those are some of the sweetest words I thought I might not ever hear. It is hard to believe that I am finished with all my chemo treatments. It sounded like I would be taking them forever when I first started. I am so ready for my vision to return to normal (a side effect of the steroids given with chemo), I am ready for this port to be taken out (dec 21st) and I am ready to begin the healing process. I am physically and emotionally drained from this past year and I am so looking forward to 2010 and putting life back together and back to normal. I am looking forward to spending time with my family, not sitting on the sidelines and watching life but getting in there and being a part of it. I am ready to see what comes next and know that I am stronger for what has been.

Tomorrow Is It!!!

2009-11-30T09:44:00.002-06:00

I can't believe it is finally here, but tomorrow is my final treatment. It doesn't seem real that I could actually be done with chemo and radiation. In ways this year has flown by and in ways it has crept, but I am thankful to be here no matter how fast or slow it happened. I spent this past holiday week with great family and friends and time appreciating the important things in life. According to the doctors after treatment I will have my blood drawn to keep a check on different levels and to make sure that things stay like they are suppose to stay. But other than taking a pill and the occasional doctors visit I will be done!! I will spend the first part of next year healing, and hopefully start reconstruction the second half of the year. I want to be able to enjoy time without doctors appointments every week, M playing softball and just trying to get back to some kind of normalcy. I want to be able to just breathe.

One Month Left!

2009-11-04T11:38:00.003-06:00

Only 4 weeks left of treatment!! I can't believe it, it sounds so weird to think I only have 4 more chemo treatments. Tuesday I had treatment 8 of 12, all went well. I am still trying to heal the radiation burn. It has been a nightmare! I have always said I loved blood, guts and gore as long as it wasn't mine-well its mine now. Burns are gross and PAINFUL!!!! I have slept in our recliner for the last 3 or 4 nights just to find a comfortable position. I swear I would rather do the first round of chemo again than deal with this burn. I don't like to be the complainer but seriously I just want to catch a break!! I can honestly say that up to this point, this is the worst part. I know it won't last much longer but I am totally ready for it to me over!!

No More Radiation!!!

2009-10-28T10:46:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was the last of my radiation treatments!!! The only thing that will make me happier is no more treatments of any kind. The healing from radiation may take a week or two, but at least we aren't adding to what has to heal. I have heard several times over the last few weeks that radiation burn is like a bad sunburn. All I have to say is that if anyone burns this bad by being out in the sun, my advice would be STAY INSIDE--FOREVER!!!! This is ridiculous!! Yesterday was also treatment #7 out of 12 chemo treatments, so I am more than halfway done with chemo as well. I know that my mood should greatly improve over the next few day, just knowing that I am done with part of this and only have a few left of the other. That has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with is having my life on a schedule and not my own. Our family is always busy and doing stuff, but it is because we choose to do so not because we are "told to". I want the freedom to say oh I can't make it or I don't want to and know that it is not going to "cost" me in the long run.

Burn Baby Burn

2009-10-20T21:32:00.002-05:00

It has finally hit, radiation burn. It is up my neck and under my arm at the end of my scar. I have this cream they gave me that I can put on several times a day for the discomfort, but it can't be put on for a couple hours before treatment or it will make the burn worse-that's a comforting thought!! I thought this stuff was suppose to help not hurt!!! Anyway, that has been the most difficult to deal with, my clothes irritate it, rubbing irritates it and just being irritates it. Chemo today was fine, I came home and took a nap and then showed houses tonight. I can tell I am more tired tonight but I feel pretty good overall. I have 5 days of radiation left and today was the 6th treatment in a series of 12 (so I am half way there)!!!! December 1 could not come soon enough!!
On another note, I went to the paint the park pink on Saturday with a couple of friends and walked on a very inspiring lady's team. She ask me if it bothered me to do an event like that, and it really made me think. It was difficult, but just because it makes me face what I am dealing with. It was a great reminder of what I have been through and what I have left to do. It made me jealous that so many were "done" with treatment and were able to move on with life. It made me very aware of where I am in my treatment--no hair, doctors 6 times a week, weight gain from steroids, just to mention a few that bother me. It also gave me hope that in time I will be in those ladies' shoes-done with treatment, totally changed by what I went through and moving in a direction that God has planned for me.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

2009-10-08T14:49:00.002-05:00

I can somewhat see a light at the end of this tunnel--the treatment tunnel that is. I know there is still a long road ahead, but this phase is drawing to an end and I am ever so thankful!! I am so sick and tired of going to a medical appointment 6 times a week, I love the people but hate the reason!! I have noticed lately that I am beyond moody. I think this round of chemo is affecting my hormone level (or lack there of) more than the last. It has not been pretty. I don't know but by the grace of God why my husband and child come home every night. It is an honest to goodness internal battle with myself to watch my tongue and not take out all my frustrations on the people I love most. I can be sweet as sugar to a perfect stranger, but if you live in my house and looked at me cross eyed, you may be taking your life into your own hands. I hate that feeling, it is not me, it is not who I was raised to be and not how I want to act, but this has become my daily battle. I hate thinking I am setting this kind of example for my kid, she deserves better from me. I want to be real for her, I don't pretend this journey is easy, I want her to know and understand that life is work and it doesn't always go our way but there is a greater purpose for each of us. I want her to see that God is in control-not the estrogen level or lack thereof! So keep me in your prayers that I bite my tongue when needed and apologize to ones I hurt when I don't.

Not Bad At All

2009-09-30T12:16:00.002-05:00

I survived round 3, to tell you the truth, I didn't even feel like I had anything done. I get a little sleepy from the pre-meds but that runs out pretty quick. After treatment, I ran a few errands and even went for a walk last night around the neighborhood (I have to do something to counter-act the steroids). Still doing radiation everyday (that is getting old) but I only have 20 left. M is keeping my free time occupied with softball, basketball and volleyball (all are traveling teams). I am thankful for the energy to run her around and all the help from friends and family when I don't. I feel like the updates get shorter and shorter, but I guess that is good. When there is not a lot going on-life is good!!

2 down and 10 to go

2009-09-23T13:32:00.002-05:00

Well I survived the 2nd dose of this last round of chemo. It has gone so far like the first, I took a small nap after treatment and was doing 5th grade homework by 6pm. (wish I could have slept thru that). I am a little tired but at work and will be working until after 8pm tonight-oh joy!! The radiation isn't bothering me either, I just get tired of "the everyday thing". But I have 5 down of those and 25 more to go. That doesn't sound as good as 1 week down and 5 more to go, we will look at it in weeks right now until the number down is bigger than the number left. Its all in the way you look at it!!! I think my hair may be starting to grow back-don't get too excited it is merely peach fuzz but its something. It looks really light right now, I could care less what color it grows back preferably not grey!!! But I have a great colorist and am not afraid to use her!!!

Off We Go Again!!

2009-09-17T12:53:00.002-05:00

I have started what I call "Round 2" of treatment. On Tuesday I had my first chemo treatment of the new drug and on Wednesday I had my first radiation treatment. Tuesday was a long day, they have to run the chemo very slowly the first time to make sure you do not have a reaction to the drug or its mixture so that took 4 hours. From chemo we went directly to the radiation doctor so they could check their markings and calculations to be ready for Wednesday's treatment. On the bright side of things I did not have a reaction to the chemo and I did not get sick from it either. It was pretty non eventful (that's not a bad thing either). So from now until October 20th or so, I will go everyday @ 3:20pm for my radiation and next Tuesday my chemo should only take 2 1/2 hrs instead of the 4 hrs, since I didn't have a reaction to the initial one. To say the least these last 12 weeks will be very time consuming, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am thankful to be feeling well and to be on the down hill side of this thing!!

Gearing Up

2009-09-10T15:14:00.002-05:00

I have so enjoyed this break of no treatments and it is so hard to get back into the mindset of starting it all up again. I know I am in the home stretch but still, I have felt better these last couple of weeks than I have in a long time. I am not ready for how time consuming these next 12 weeks are going to be. I met with the radiation oncologist this morning and they marked me up and I have to go back on Tuesday to lay on the treatment table and make sure all of their calculations are correct and then start radiation on Wednesday. That will be everyday for 6, yes count them, 6 weeks, while at the same time doing a 2 1/2 -3 hr chemo session once a week. I am afraid I am going to have to schedule my bathroom breaks just to make sure I have the time. Radiation should be over the 21st of October and chemo should be done the 1st of December. If you don't think there will be a party at the end of all that, then you don't know me very well. I can honestly say, I have never looked more forward to any date in my life than December 1, 2009. Please pray that everything stays on schedule!!

Enjoying the Time Off

2009-08-31T12:41:00.002-05:00

I have decided that maybe mentally, telling someone going through chemo that they are getting a month off instead of just getting an extra week in between treatments, isn't such a bad deal after all. I honestly can say for the most part I feel better now than I usually do 2 weeks after treatment. This past weekend I did 5 loads of laundry, dusted the front part of the house, cleaned the kitchen, went to church and M's ball practice. (Don't tell my hubby because I am still getting someone to come in and clean for me.) It's not so much what I got done as the fact I felt like doing it and didn't pay for it a day or so later. Feeling like this just makes me dread starting back treatment, even though I know the side effects aren't as bad-but it is so nice to feel good again. On a positive thought I am half way done and there is definite light at the end of the tunnel.

The Break

2009-08-26T14:05:00.002-05:00

I am in what they call the "month off" time. Now as far as I can tell, there are only 2 differences between this treatment and the next. One is the drug-the worst is behind me (or so I'm told) and two is that I get an extra week between treatments. So this whole you get a month off stuff, is just trying to make you think your getting a vacation. Truth be told I have more doctors appointments and blood checks during my "month off" than if things were running on the previous schedule. I did have my blood counts checked yesterday-that was an ordeal. I got to the lab at 9am, sat there until 10:10am, had to leave because I had a doctors appointment across the street at 10:15am. Sat there until 11:30am when I saw the doctor and then went back to the lab to get my blood drawn, waited for the results and finally left at 12:30pm or so. This normally would have been no big deal to me, except the smell of doctors offices now makes me sick. So you can only imagine after sitting in one for 3 1/2 hours just how nauseous I was. Needless to say I went home and laid down all afternoon. My counts were within normal limits for where I am in treatment-always a good sign. I meet with the radiation doc on the 10th and we will get that started, I meet with my regular oncologist on the 8th to talk about the next chemo drug and that should start the 15th. As of the 15th, there will be 12 weeks left of this miserable journey!! (If it all stays on schedule) I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. Pray that I don't lose my sanity between now and then, pray that everything stays on schedule and pray for little (preferably no) side effects from the next round of treatment.

4th and final

2009-08-19T19:45:00.002-05:00

Well I can say thus far that I am surviving this last "nasty" treatment. I have slept alot today, but have not had a headache and very little nausea. Just short waves that go away quickly-I refer to them as just reminders that I have had treatment and keeps me from trying to do to much too quick. The new medicine seems to work -PRAISE GOD!!!!! I am not sure I would have survived feeling like I had the last couple of treatments.
So the newest plan is to have the usual shot on Thursday gotta love the Nuelasta (blood count builder). Then the weekly blood counts-I swear if they keep this up through Dec I may not have any blood left to give. I have an appointment on Sept 1 with the radiation doctor to get that 5-6 week process started. My doctor says that the next round of treatments as well as radiation should probably start around Sept. 15. I then have an appointment with my gynecologist on the 8th to discuss having the much needed and wanted for that matter hysterectomy the last couple of weeks of December. My view on all of this is to keep the ball rolling-the more I can get done and the less I have to drag this out the better. Then all I will have to deal with next year is reconstruction and a new hair do.
So overall with this treatment so far so good. Just keep the prayers coming and the fingers crossed!! Love you all very much!

Try Again

2009-08-11T12:01:00.003-05:00

Its the weekly Tuesday update. I had blood work today and all came back fine. The doctor and nurse got together to discuss a med change for my next treatment that will hopefully not give me a headache and take care of the nausea. We are going to try a medicine that is suppose to be the "wonder drug" for this, it would normally cost around $500 for 3 pills, but thank goodness my insurance is being so good about things that my co-pay is $25 and insurance will pick up the rest!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't ask for better news. It is such an attitude booster to hear that there is a medicine that should take care of my side effects and I won't have to auction off my first born to pay for it (haha). I feel like I have finally caught a break, I don't know if the new med will work but I have hope and that is more than half the battle. I don't dread this upcoming treatment like I dreaded the last. I think the fact that this upcoming treatment is the last of this kind and a new med may help the side effects, makes my mood and attitude so much better!!

Same Story Different Day

2009-08-04T12:53:00.004-05:00

I feel like I post the same thing just on different days. I had blood work Tuesday morning and it all came back good. I was able to talk to one of the nurses about the nausea vs headache. I can't decide which is worse. I have had a headache for a couple of days now but nothing that isn't manageable. The nausea on the other hand is just wrong!! I think alot of it is visual, meaning it feels alot like motion sickness (which I have never had). But it is constant. I can't look at my computer, watch certain things on tv, even riding in the car makes me feel like crap!!! The nurse is going to talk to the doctor and maybe try another drug for my next treatment (the last of this kind). I honestly feel like I am 35 going on 105. It makes me dread treatment so much more than normal-not knowing how I will react and what side effect will rear its ugly head. I am trying to keep up the attitude of just one more of these and then on to something else, but it is starting to wear me out!!! I am however totally amazed at how much support I have received over the last several months. I have seen how people genuinely care and want me to know that they care and how uplifting that has been.

The Never Ending Nausea

2009-07-31T15:20:00.002-05:00

Ok, I don't know which is worse, one day of headache or 4 days (and counting) of nausea. Either way it is wearing on my ever last nerve. I have slept since I got out of treatment on Tuesdays just to wake up and take more nausea drugs and go back to sleep. I have actually been awake more today than the last few. I am so ready for this part of this journey to be over. I am not saying that I am ready for the next rounds of treatment-I am sure that those will have their ups and downs as well but they do tell me that the side effects are not as great as with this first round. I need to have my few days of feeling good, my sanity needs it right now!!! I just wanted everyone to know that I am surviving this, it is just dragging out a little longer than the previous two treatments. But thankfully I only have one more of these to go!! I just keep relying on the my support system of friends and family and my God!

Changes

2009-07-27T10:38:00.002-05:00

I met with my doctor on Thursday. Our main topic of conversation was the headaches that I have been having after treatments. He has decided to change one of the pre-meds I am given before chemo. I will now take two different medicines in pill form that he swears is the equivalent of the IV drug I normally take. This makes me totally nervous!!! I told the doctor several times that I would much rather have a headache than to throw up. He reassured me that he understood and this should do the trick for both!! With that being said we are praying he knows his stuff(which I feel he does), keeping our fingers crossed and anything else that might bring positive outcomes. I am more uptight with this upcoming treatment due to the thought of cumulative side effects. Things have been fairly easy so far and the thought of actually living all the horror stories you hear makes one nervous. I know there isn't anything that I can do about it and worrying doesn't help, but it's always in the back of my mind. I will go in for treatment tomorrow with the attitude that all will be good and the knowledge that God will get me through whatever is to come.

Nothin' Much

2009-07-17T20:53:00.002-05:00

I can happily say there isn't much going on. My weekly goal is for my blood counts to come back at levels that are in range for the week-mission accomplished this week. I have had a pretty normal week this week, which consisted of work, running the kid around, and more work. It may seem weird to some, but now I cherish normal days. I never really thought about it before, I usually complained about working late or running all over town with errands and kid stuff. These days I welcome errands, work and normal time with the family. It is so good to feel like doing all those things instead of being tired and run down. If you take anything away from reading this today-let it be to cherish each day and all that comes with it (big or small) you never know what God has planned.

This Stinks

2009-07-13T13:59:00.002-05:00

I think that is the nicest way I can put it, at this time. This is really starting to stink. I can honestly say, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I swore I wouldn't use the word sick. I am not sick, but all these medicines are making me feel sick. I'm tired of the chemo and/or the pre meds giving me the headache and I'm tired of taking so much medicine for the headaches and then taking something for what those medicines do, and so on and so on. I hate not feeling like just getting up and going like normal. Today for example I got up and finally got around to leave the house, I dropped off M and headed for work. By the time I got to the office I was tired and felt like crap, so I headed home. I am fortunate to be able to work from home, which I am doing today. I am just missing the normal summer routine. I love the sun and the outdoors, which I am told at this time will intensify the drugs in my system and make me sick. I miss the lake, the ball field and the occasionally road trip (you get the picture). Ok enough of that, I just needed to whine and vent a little. Truth be told I am very fortunate, I don't feel bad all the time and I have enjoyed many things this summer and I have seen people that prove this could be so much worse. I sat in church yesterday needing to hear something I knew was meant just for me. Then I heard/felt God say if you can trust me with these things(the list ran thru my head), trust me with this. It was the reassurance, that God is in control of this, that I needed. I have known all along He is in control, that He has a plan for me, but there are times that we just need God to speak straight to us. And thank goodness He knows when we need to "hear" Him.

Oh My Head

2009-07-11T15:18:00.003-05:00

I thought that the few days following treatment would be like they were last time, I would sleep and feel a little crappy, but was I wrong. I can honestly say that I have never had a headache like I had Friday. Many of you who know me, know that I have migraine headaches occasionally. The headache that I had Friday beat any headache I have ever had in my life. I was taking medicine every 4 hours for pain and another med for nausea, of which I couldn't decide if I was sick because of the headache, the medicine on an empty stomach or just the chemo. I couldn't stand to see light, talk on the phone or even look at my phone to send a text. The sound of the TV, anyone talking, or even the sound of someone walking across the floor was more than I could stand. Thankfully, when I woke up this morning the headache has eased somewhat and I was even able to work for a few hours. The good doctor and I are going to have to have a discussion about this headache issue. If it is going to get progressively worse with each treatment, we are going to have to figure something out. I just hope the worst is over for this treatment and I can get back to a little normal around here.

Day 2 After Treatment 2

2009-07-08T15:05:00.003-05:00

I have felt a little more nauseous than I remember feeling with the first treatment, the headache is back and I think that is the worst part. I have slept more today but that may just be boredom. But I just have to remember that this only last a few days and then it will be back to normal. Just not letting these few days get you down is the hardest part. I had heard people talk about feeling bad for a few days and then getting back to feeling almost like they did before treatment just in time to have another treatment and feel like crap again. I always thought at least they have those days they feel good-that should make them happy. Well, those days do make me happy but these few days of not feeling great make me not so happy, more like a little hateful if the truth was to be told. I find myself more short with people, I have little patience when it comes to anything, and overall not a pleasant person. This may be the reason the God allows me to sleep as much as I do, to save the masses. haha I go and get my neulasta shot tomorrow morning and then should come home and sleep for the next couple of days, and hopefully wake up Saturday morning like a whole new person! That is the prayer for today.

Two Down!

2009-07-07T18:28:00.002-05:00

I have just gotten home from treatment #2. So far, it seems to be the same as the last one. I am a little tired from all the pre-meds they give me, but I feel pretty good. Thanks so much to my BFF for taking me to treatment. Always there when I need her! The prayer right now is that this post treatment goes like the first one. I slept alot but I didn't get sick-as you can probably tell that is my biggest fear. I just don't want to "be sick". I can deal with all the other side effects that comes with these drugs, but I do not want to puke!!!!! To some that sounds strange that losing my hair is easier to deal with than the occasional puking, but to me it is. I think it is because unless you see me at home without the wig and other accessories I don't look sick, not to me, not to my family and not to the average joe. That is my whole deal, I don't want to look sick. As far as I am concerned and the doctors are at this point-there is no cancer left in my body-this treatment is totally precautionary preventative over kill. Just to make sure that there wasn't one little trouble making cell that was missed. So with that mind set, if I don't act sick, and I don't look sick, then I am not sick (and I'm NOT sick). So please just pray that this goes well and I will let you know in a couple of days how it goes.

Check Up

2009-07-03T13:48:00.002-05:00

I went to the doctor yesterday for my first post treatment check up with my oncologist. He was very pleased with how I have done so far. He said my blood counts are very good. He was not at all concerned with the headaches I had post treatment-he said just to take the tylenol or pain meds as I need them. We are on schedule and I will have my next treatment on Tuesday. I get nervous, the first treatment was so uneventful, I just hope it stays that way. Today is the 2nd day with out hair. It is a strange sensation not to have any hair on your head. I have had long hair my whole life, so this is a drastic change for me. I am adjusting and just trying to go with the flow.

Long Gone

2009-07-02T10:56:00.002-05:00

Well I finally did it. I actually had to shave my head this morning. I knew it was coming, it had started to slowly fall out and then over the last couple of days it was more and more noticeable. I had already decided that when the first large clump fell the clippers would come out. So when I got out of the shower this morning and realized that there was no way a brush was going to go through that mess without tearing it all out, I cut off the long part and shaved the rest. I thought it would be much worse than it was, I had cried continually for the last couple of days, scared to death of being bald. But when it actually came time to do it, it wasn't that bad. My head is not misshapen, the wig looks as good as a wig can look I guess and it wasn't the end of the world!! Over the last couple of days, there have been a few things that have happened, that reminded me all this is worth it. Living life is worth losing your hair for a few months, and feeling tired more than usual. Life is worth not spending a summer at the lake or poolside in the sun. Life is a gift but sometimes that gift requires some sacrifice. I would much rather give up a few things I like, to spend many more years with the ones I love.

Week 2-post treatment

2009-06-29T12:44:00.002-05:00

I have been amazed how well I have felt. It has been two weeks since treatment and my energy level is pretty good. I spent all weekend at the ballpark in Little Rock with M. They finished 3rd out of 17 teams. I definitely found my limits with the heat-109 degree heat index (in the shade) is about as hot as I can stand. They told me to stay out of the sun as much as possible and I've tried, as hard as it has been, but I couldn't stand to miss a state tournament heat or no heat. I go tomorrow to get my blood drawn again. Hopefully my levels are still good and I should be able to get my next treatment on the 7th. I see the doctor on Thursday to discuss the side effects that I have dealt with and any medication changes we need to make for the next treatment. The important thing is that all the treatments stay on schedule. There is not much new right now, just trying to keep things as normal as possible and tackle this deal one day at a time.

One Week Later

2009-06-23T21:30:00.002-05:00

Today is 1 week since my first treatment. I went back to the doctor to get my blood counts tested. All my counts were where they needed to be-thank goodness!! I have felt pretty good-just learning to deal with all the fatigue. It is so strange to me not to be able to go from sun up to sun down like I am use to doing. Just the two doctors appointments I had this morning wore me out for the day-I did go to the office for a couple of hours, but by late afternoon I was done! Everyone (medically speaking) was very pleased with how I am doing so far. I keep hearing "You look so good" it makes me wonder just how bad it could be and what others do look like. I know what others look like-when I went to get my labs drawn today I get that done in the same room I get my chemo because I have a port. I am guessing that it takes special port training to draw blood from it-so the chemo nurses do my labs. Anyway, the room was full today with so many people getting treatments. I saw people that look like I do-a little tired but otherwise look pretty healthy and then I also saw a couple of people that were small, frail, more than a little tired looking, weak, basically they looked sick. That is very hard to see, for several reasons. It is a reminder of what is going on, there is guilt for how it is as of right now (not that bad), and fear of what it could be like. So the lesson learned from this morning labs is pick your treatment times carefully and thank God everyday for the blessings He has given you and the plans He has for your future.

Zero Energy

2009-06-22T07:06:00.002-05:00

I wish I could explain the Thursday and Friday of last week. I went from feeling pretty ok to being totally wiped out in the blink of an eye. I got up Thursday and went to the doctor for an injection. When I came home I laid down to take a nap and ended up sleeping--off and on until Saturday morning. (mostly on) I have never been so tired that for a couple of days I couldn't hold my eyes open long enough to walk to the kitchen for a drink. I believe that is the day when my blood counts hit bottom. It is the strangest feeling for things to change that quickly. And then I woke up in Cabot Saturday morning like a whole new person. It was noticeable to everyone. Friends came up to me and told me that they could see it in my eyes that I had more energy and felt better. I hung out at the ball field on Saturday and it wasn't too bad-it was hotter than hot but I stayed in the shade(like I was told to), drank plenty of fluids and was just careful. I still have the wonderful side effect of the headache, I am beginning to think that I might have this one for the majority of the next 6 months. But trust me I will take a headache over nausea any day!!! On Sunday we went to church--it was so good. Our children's pastor spoke and told the stories of his children and how they entered their world, both stories bring tears to my eyes. Just knowing that our God uses so many different kinds of situations for His purpose and plan. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my struggle, my feelings, and my situation, that I forget this so isn't about me. The song from yesterday talked about sitting with Jesus and just laying back on his chest and feeling the heartbeat of God. That is what I want from all of this. I want to feel the heartbeat of God and know that I have done everything He wanted from me.

The First 24-or so

2009-06-17T20:00:00.002-05:00

Well it has been about 28 hours since the end of my first chemo treatment. I have to say it has not been what I was expecting. I expected to leave the hospital feeling like crap and not feeling better for a couple of days. But luckily for me, I left with just a headache that I still haven't gotten rid of, but that is about it. I have had moments of not feeling great but I think it is because I can't seem to shake the headache. I got out and went to walmart with a friend this afternoon, it was good to see the sunshine. I think my biggest worry is that I know I am suppose to get sick or at least feel like I am going to get sick, but I haven't. I just wonder when and if I will get sick-it is just an uneasy feeling. Trust me I am totally ok with not ever getting sick!!! The plan for tomorrow (depending on how I feel when I wake up) is to go to the doctors office and get my shot of Nulasta-a drug designed to build up my blood counts. Then hopefully to the office for a while again always depending on how well I'm feeling. I have to start getting ready for the big state softball tournament in Cabot this weekend. This is the big STARS goal weekend-we want to walk out of there with the big hardware!! Not much news today, and that's a good thing. Will talk to you tomorrow and let you know how life is!!!

1 Down 15 To Go

2009-06-16T21:43:00.002-05:00

Now if that title doesn't just lift your spirits, I don't know what will. For those of you that don't know me as well, I am just kidding. Yes there is a positive, I have one treatment behind me. And yes the negative is I have 15 more to go. (And that part stinks!!!!) Its about 9:45pm after my treatment that started at 2:45pm or so. Right now I have a huge headache that Tylenol won't even touch and my stomach has been a little upset but nothing major--yet. I hope not at all but we will just have to roll with the flow. They gave me several medicines in my IV before the chemo to try to prevent nausea-I can home feeling very "drug drunk", I staggered across the hospital parking lot like instead of chemo they had just shot straight liquor into that IV. Oh well that beat throwing up my toe nails across the parking lot. My husband has been home with me and will be tomorrow as well. He fixed me some dinner-plain chicken and he even ran the dishwasher (his halo may be pinching just a little). In all seriousness he has really taken great care of me and I love him more each day for his willingness to do so.
I did learn today that it may not actually take the 21 days for my hair to go, thank goodness my mom went by and ordered my wig for me today. I should have it in a week or so.
I thought I would post this tonight while I was feeling pretty descent, in case the morning was different. Just keep praying and hoping that I will not get too sick-I make a horrible patient!!

My Fab Five

2009-06-13T08:48:00.003-05:00

Last night I was lucky enough to spend the evening with my "fab five". My "fab five" is a group of 5 amazing women that I have been friends with for various amounts of time. Some since grade school, others in high school and college, but the bond remains no matter how old we get. We may not talk on the phone every day, but at a moments notice I could call any or all of the five and they would be at my door-no questions asked. It always amazes me how these 5 personalities blend so well together, we have a couple conservative ones, the single one, and a couple more rowdy types. Yet no matter what is said during our get togethers, we all know that when we wake up in the morning that we all still love and need the group just the way it is. Last night we were missing one of my 5-hope Vegas was good to you T!! By the way I don't think we trash talked you at all. Let me explain the rules of the "girls nite". If you don't show up for whatever reason, you are what we call fair game. We can talk about you at length and there is nothing you can do about it. This rule is used as an insurance feature to make sure that most of the time we will all show up for the evening. Last night we talked about what all is going on with me and what the short term future holds. We talked, laughed and cried (thanks JH for starting that). They kept saying how strong I am and how they could not be like that if this was happening to them. What my "fab 5" doesn't understand is that I am not strong for them, I am strong because of them. Because I know that they believe that God is in control and even though we might not like the path he takes us on, all of us know in our hearts that this isn't about me or our group, it is about Him. Thanks girls for being my "Fab Five"!!

Why Not Me

2009-06-11T23:35:00.002-05:00

Today I got both good news and news that I have been dreading. The good news was that all my scans from Wednesday came back good-there are no signs of cancer in any other parts of my body. The news I have been dreading is the start date for treatment-mainly the chemo. I have my first treatment on Tuesday the 16th. According to my doctor the first 24hrs after treatment can be the roughest as for nausea. It will take around 21 days after treatment starts to lose most of my hair. I knew that once I had an actual start date that my whole attitude about this would change. I have been struggling with the "why me" and then I think "why not me". Four years ago, my brother preached a sermon that basically said "why not me", he talked about that as Christians we are not exempt from having to go through difficult times, but what we do have, as Christians, is the means by which to survive the hard times if we rely on God. I know that God has a purpose and a reason for this "rain". I know that there is no way I can get through this on my own that He wants me to rely on Him and to trust Him. I found myself laying in bed not able to go to sleep(and that is so not like me) and then it was like I heard Him say read Colossians 4. I thought to myself that if I get up and read this and it doesn't pertain to what is going on I just may be going nuts--well I am not nuts. Col. 4 talks about devoting ourselves to prayer and knowing that whatever answer we get its what God deems best for us. I know that I have prayed and ask why me, why now, why...but I have not really been brought to my knees until tonight. I know that sounds strange, yes I have been diagnosed with breast cancer and yes I have had to have major surgery and yes I have to start treatments next week, but somehow I managed slide through all of that and not really give it all to God to take care of. I wasn't taking care of it, but I hadn't given it up either. But as of right this minute 12:05am, it is not mine anymore!

I Missed My Calling

2009-06-10T17:22:00.002-05:00

I have said many times that I missed my calling. I love alot of different things that could have led me to different professions, I love blood and guts (as long as they don't belong to me), so I have often said I should have gone into the medical profession. Well today while I was at the local hospital getting another round of tests done, I tried out the medical transportation profession. At this hospital they have "transport" people that come and take you to where ever you need to go, I call them hand holders mainly because I don't do wheel chairs so basically these guys just walk me to where ever. For some unknown reason they let me take myself to the different departments and I even gave directions along the way. And just so we are all clear, medical transportation is not "my calling". It was a little boring and not really in the middle of the action like I like to be. With all that being said the tests went fine today and should have the results in a couple of days or so. I meet with the oncologist tomorrow and set a treatment start date. I hope this port site gets to feeling a little better before we go sticking needles in it. After laying on a couple of steel tables today for long periods of time, I could use a break in the action, if it is only for a few days. I need to actually go and work on my true calling, I haven't seen my office in the daylight in a week. I can do most of my stuff from home, which I have been doing, but still it would be nice to have a normal day-sitting at my desk and talking to my realtor buddies (in person-not on the phone).

One Step Closer

2009-06-09T10:03:00.002-05:00

I am one step closer to starting treatment. Yesterday my doctor inserted an infuse a port. This will allow easier access to administer the chemo. I am really sore today, the port was put just under my collar bone on my left side. So I am back to not having a full range of motion in that arm-this drives me nuts, its a short term thing but still. Thank goodness for good doctors and good medicine!!! I will go in tomorrow and have my bone scan, CT scan and chest x-ray, and then on Thursday I will meet with my oncologist again to set a start date for treatment (which should be in the next few days). I have been staying busy with work, M and her softball, and just keeping a normal daily routine. We spent the weekend in NWA with M playing softball in a "Pitch for the Cure" tournament. Yes I even wore our team shirts that were light pink with the ribbon on them as well. It didn't bother me, this wasn't about me. I didn't look at it like it was drawing attention to me and what I am dealing with it, it was a benefit tournament, that just happened to be raising money for breast cancer. There are so many emotions that come with all of this, that sometimes I don't even know what I am feeling. Between being tired of just having to deal with everything, to the pain of procedures, to the anger and moodiness--this is a roller coaster I wish I didn't have to ride. I just keep telling myself that there is a reason and purpose for all of this. God has a bigger plan, more than I can understand and more than I need to know at this point, but all in His time.

On Schedule

2009-06-03T11:03:00.002-05:00

The last few days have seemed like such a whirlwind of events. I got the call this morning that my surgeon will put my port in on Monday. I will have some blood work drawn this Friday to make sure all is good before another surgery. It is an in and out procedure. I check in at 11am on Monday, surgery will start 12:30 or 1pm, then an hour in recovery and off to the house I go. So if all this is done by next week then I should be on schedule to start treatments the next week. In a way I am ready to get started and get on with it and then on the other hand I just want to be able to stop and catch my breath for a moment. It just seems like so much so fast.

New Inspiration

2009-06-02T13:21:00.002-05:00

Ok maybe the title of this post is a little over stated, but I finally found a breast cancer awareness T-shirt that I found funny and not annoying (actually my friend found it) it says "Save Second Base". Now with that being said I need to explain. In the stage of dealing with finding out about my cancer that I am in (anger), everything hacks me off. Mostly because I can't seem to escape for just a few minutes what I am up against. So over the last several weeks, I have developed a dislike for the color pink. Not because I am not 100% in favor of finding a cure for this-because believe me no one should ever have to go through this, but because everywhere I look I am reminded that this is what my life will be about for the next several months. So when people have ask about pink ribbons for this that or the other, I just politely say no thanks and go on. But I honestly could see myself in this shirt, not just because it is bringing awareness to a hell that so many women have to go through but it has a little humor, a little sarcasm and some personality to it--and for those of you that know me, know its a me shirt!! Yes I would be selective where I might wear the shirt, its more of a around the house deal. I wouldn't want to influence any small children in the wrong way or offend someone-but sometimes you just need a laugh. And this makes me laugh!!

The Plan

2009-06-01T12:36:00.002-05:00

I said I wanted to know the plan, treatment plan that is, well I now know more than I really probably want to know. I met with my oncologist this morning. He went through all the details of what kind of cancer I have/had, to explain what he suggested we do now. I will have 2 different rounds of chemo. The first will contain 2 drugs and from what I gather have greater potential for side effects than the 2nd round. It will come in 4 sessions each of which are 3 weeks apart for a total of 12 weeks (round 1) then I get a month break, and then round 2. Round 2 consist of 1 drug whose side effects are not as bad and radiation will be done at the same time. This round of chemo is done once a week for 12 weeks and radiation is done 5 days a week for several of those weeks (not sure how many). This morning was an information overload so some of the above information is likely to be changed, but this is what I remember. I will have a bone scan, CT and chest x-ray next week and in the next couple of weeks they will also put in a port which will make receiving the chemo much easier.
I don't think I realized how long all of this would take-I think I was expecting 3 or 4 months not 6 or 7, but oh well. I feel very comfortable with the people I met this morning and what I am being advised to do. Treatments should start in a couple of weeks or so--I have decided that the sooner I start the sooner I will be done.

Get On With It

2009-05-27T09:49:00.002-05:00

I came back to work on Tuesday, just for a few hours, but I figured that I had to get on with it sometime. So the daily routine of run here and there started back. Work, doctor, work again, errands and finally a trip to the ball park--back to normal is good!! I ran to the doctors office on Tuesday for a quick check just to make sure all is healing well, it is. She is going to go ahead and get my records to the oncologist. My doc says that since all is healing so well that we should get started with treatment, oh joy!!!!! I should meet with the doctor sometime in the next week or so. We will come up with a plan for treatment as far as how many of each kind (radiation/chemo) and in what order. That will make things better as far as I need to mentally get ready for this. Every time I think that I might wrap my head around what is fixing to happen it changes-I need a plan!!! I need to be able to say ok this is what is going to happen and this is where we are in that process. The emotional roller coaster is driving me insane! The mood swings are horrible, I am usually in a good mood, but sometimes the slightest little thing will send my mood into a downward spiral that feels like there is no bottom for. The worst part is feeling like you have no control over it. I hate the knowing that I am in a bad mood and knowing that I am biting off the head of everyone around me and still not being able to pull out of it. Those times are usually the ones that I go find a place by myself and try to spare the world around me of any hatefullness that might come out. All I can say is those around me have been so understanding and great to put up with the moods, for that I am blessed.

Lets Play Ball

2009-05-24T13:30:00.001-05:00

I took my first post surgery road trip this weekend. We went all the way to Muskogee,OK. I know it doesn't sound far, but let me tell you I felt every pot hole, speed bump and crack in the road. It wasn't that bad but it sure makes a 1 1/2 hr trip seem alot longer. M played softball there this weekend and I just couldn't stand the thought of not watching her play. It seems like forever since I got to see the STARS. We had a good tournament and a long couple of days but it felt so good to get out, be around people, and breathe some fresh air. I wondered how I would react to be around a lot of people. What would their reactions be, would they stare, would I feel like everyone was looking at me differently??? Surprisingly I never felt uncomfortable. I talked to people I knew about the surgery, we all compared "war stories" about hospital stays and I felt like it was just another day at the ball park. So I must say a big "thanks" and "I love you guys" to the Stars family for making my first outing so easy and comfortable. I am truly blessed to have such a great bunch of friends!!!!

Check Up

2009-05-21T19:11:00.002-05:00

I went back to the doctor today for my 1 week check up. I went in hoping that my doc would take out all 3 of these drains (they are draining the life out of me). She took 2 of the 3, and to tell you the truth it made all the difference in the world. The last drain will stay in a few extra days just to make sure all is good. It is so much easier to get out and go somewhere and even just get around. I totally took advantage of getting out of the house. I made Shawn take me to eat, Academy, the bank and we couldn't leave out a trip to Walmart. I don't feel like I am tied up in plastic tubing. The doctor was very pleased with the way I am healing, getting around and overall progress. She is going to give me 3 or so weeks to heal from this and then we decided that it will be radiation first and then chemo. I don't know the specifics on how many treatments of each I will have to have, but we figured we would give this everything we've got to make sure that it is gone for good. Why take the chance of this coming back later and having to go through all/most of this again a few years down the road. I am ok with this theory. At the end of this process I will have been through so much, but I want to do everything in my power to make sure that it is the end of the process. I want the peace of mind that I am totally cancer free and I have thrown everything including the kitchen sink at this deal. We are off to Muskogee tomorrow to watch M play ball--Go STARS!!!! Time to get back to our crazy schedule!!

Sunshine

2009-05-19T11:55:00.002-05:00

Thank goodness the sun is out today, it makes a great mood booster!! I am doing really good today. I can tell that I did quite a bit of moving around yesterday, I am really sore today but I am not taking anything for it. (At least not yet) Yesterday was both a good day and a rough day. As I posted yesterday, I found out that the cancer was in a couple of nodes and chemo is a sure thing, what I left out is that we had a serious communication gap in our house. Here is what happened. I went in for surgery-that would be the last thing I remember until Friday late morning. The gap occurred when I apparently ask the doctor questions and seemed awake and back to semi-normal late Thursday. I wasn't, I was still basically out of it. This time period is when the doc told me about the nodes, the future treatment and so forth. I did not remember anything or know anything until I received a couple of phone calls and an email yesterday about when I would talk to docs about pathology and such. I finally ask my family what these people were talking about and that is when we realized that I didn't remember any of the conversations that happened post surgery. It was like finding out all over again that I had breast cancer. I cried most of the morning, I got mad that the roughest of it was not behind me yet, and then I came to the realization that I can not change what is happening now or what is going to happen in the future and I think that for now I am cool with that. This has been a definite lesson learned. So if yesterdays post didn't make sense or sound complete, hopefully this will explain why. But today is a new day and I am feeling better every day. Thanks so much for all the prayers and well wishes!

I Survived!!

2009-05-18T15:26:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm alive. I have survived the surgery, not having a ton of fun post-op, but I am home and dealing with the "aftermath". It has been a sore last few days. I am finally getting some ability to lift my arms above my head (kind of), I can't lift much more than a coffee cup, but totally taking advantage of my husband doing all the stuff around the house. He has been amazing--he waits on me hand and foot, I don't have to ask for anything. I can't imagine that when we met 21 years ago that we would be in this place today, but I couldn't have ask God for anyone better. I don't know a whole lot but here is what I do know. I know that there was cancer in a couple of the lymph nodes-so they took most if not all from under my right arm. This means that I will have to learn to do a lot with my left hand and be careful with my right from now on. I know that I will have to have chemo. Since the lymph nodes were positive-- it isn't an option. That part of the news really set my mood back but I just have to think that better safe than sorry. No need to take any chances. This is totally something that I will recover from and I will listen to the doctors that know how to make that happen. That is about the extent of what I know at this time, I should learn more Thursday at my next doctors appointment.

Here Goes Nothing

2009-05-13T17:42:00.002-05:00

It is the night before surgery, the house is clean (I use that term loosely), I have tanned, the nails are done and the bags are packed, I guess I am as ready as one can be-so here goes nothing. I am not as nervous as I thought I would be. I have no idea what to expect once I wake up after surgery, but I am determined to look at the long term goals.
1. I will be cancer free when this process is over.
2. I will have boobs again.
3. I will be a changed person and hopefully a better one.
These 3 simple things are enough of to focus on for now. I know that God has a plan for me, He is in control and I am not. I know that he has promised to be with me always and everywhere. I am good with just knowing these things. So between what I know and what I am looking ahead to, I am truly ok.

Countdown

2009-05-11T10:34:00.003-05:00

I had a great Mother's Day weekend, it started with softball on Saturday (that makes any weekend great) and ended with a day spent with family. I was thankful not to have too much down time, I am just trying to stay busy and not think about the fact that surgery is 3 days away. The worry comes in waves-it is so strange that one minute I am fine, going about my day like nothing is going on, and then bam-I can't think of anything else and the worry and fear seem like more than I care to handle. I have found it very hard the last few days to talk about what is to come in the next few days/weeks, I can make jokes and keep it light hearted but when someone wants to really talk or I have to tell the story to someone that doesn't know-I am finding it harder to "tell the facts" and move on--its that wave thing again. Example, yesterday at church I had a friend that didn't know (how they slipped through the cracks of info I don't know) so I told her what was going on and I was fine-but after church when we had a moment to actually talk, I couldn't-so what did I do...I bolted. I just couldn't look 1 more person in the eye as they wished me well and said that they would pray for me. Its not that I don't appreciate the thoughts and prayers it just makes it so much more real and reminds me just how close surgery really is. I just keep reminding myself--1 day at a time. There will be an end to this, it will not last forever-but it will change me forever.

What a Mood

2009-05-06T12:16:00.002-05:00

The title says it all. My mood has been all over the place lately. Most of the time I can control whatever mood strikes. I can smile when I don't want to, I can say "I'm fine" when in fact I am about to go postal over nothing-at least most of the time. And yes, alot of the time I am in a pretty good mood considering all that is going on. Yesterday however, was not one of those managed mood days. I was totally hacked off yesterday and most everyone who was around me, talked to me or had any type of contact with me--knew it. I had let my guard down and really let myself think and talk about what is going on and it took all day yesterday to recover from that. With that being said, I do feel better today and have a better perspective of how this is changing my life. I know that God created me, all of me, like he wanted, knowing full well that this would happen and that I would deal with it in a wide range of emotions. I wasn't prepared for the roller coaster ride of emotions, it has taken me a little by surprise. But a good friend and I decided last night that "one day at a time" was the only option we have of dealing with "Rain". We don't control the when, where and how and worrying about it won't change it either. We rest in knowing that we serve a mighty God, who thankfully is in control.

Way too much to do!

2009-05-04T10:16:00.003-05:00

So I decided I was going to make a list of all the things that I needed to get done before surgery. (And I hate lists) For one it is a reminder that I have not been keeping up with things around the house and secondly, lists just totally overwhelms me-its like there is no end to what needs done. Sure you get to mark things off the list, but I always seem to think of 2 more things to put on that same list. Anyway, I decided to start working on that list since softball was a wash this weekend. 7 loads of laundry-the typical clothes and bedding and misc stuff that just stays in the laundry basket. I felt good until I realized that it will all have to be redone next weekend and truthfully I will be doing laundry the night before surgery. I started cleaning house and came to the same realization I did about the laundry. It is a never ending cycle!! So yesterday, the only housework I did was to ask my husband to start the dishwasher. I don't mind that kind of work.
I have just come to the conclusion that there is a lot to do and not a ton of time to do it in, but I will just finish what I can and know that its not the end of the world if the list isn't completed.

Waiting

2009-05-01T12:22:00.002-05:00

All I feel like I am doing is waiting. Waiting for surgery, waiting to see just how bad this deal really is, waiting to see if there will be more treatment after surgery (and what kind). Its not a panicked wait it is more an annoying wait. I just want to get on with it, lets get this figured out, make a plan and get started!! I explained, in 10 year old terms, about my surgery to M. I explained it in a way that hopefully was not scary, but more light-hearted. I want to be upfront with her as far as when I come home from surgery she isn't shocked that she has bigger boobs than I do. Hopefully not for an extended amount of time, either!! I want her to have an idea of what is coming, but not feel the fear and anxiety about all of this. She is handling things very well, she is a smart little girl, I don't think I give her enough credit--its just the mother wanting to protect her baby. Thank goodness for softball-we have a tournament in Clarksville this weekend that should more than keep my mind occupied. I love every minute I spend watching her play and hopefully won't have to miss to much of it after surgery. I can't believe how fast she is growing up-but she is totally the reason I don't mind waiting!

Lessons Learn(ed/ing)

2009-04-29T13:58:00.003-05:00

It has been 3 weeks today since this journey began, and I have learned so much in such a short time and I know that there are many more lessons to be had. I have learned that we do not know what tomorrow holds. And I'm not in control of it anyway. I have learned that there are so many people around me that care, many that I see or talk to on a regular basis and many that I may not have seen or talked to in a long time. I am truly blessed with very supportive family and friends. I realize every day how this "Rain" does not just change my life but the lives of those around me, as well. It is very hard to know what to say or how to act around someone that is dealing with a life changing situation. In the last 3 weeks, I have realized that it doesn't matter "what" you say or do, there will be times that nothing anyone says makes you happy and times that it is just the fact that someone made the effort to comfort you and ask about how you are that makes the day easier to face. I know that I will be a better person when this is all said and done, but for now it is one day at a time-one lesson at a time.

Livin' on the Edge!

2009-04-28T10:10:00.004-05:00

I don't think I realized until last night, just how close to the "edge" I am. I just nearly had a meltdown in Walmart yesterday afternoon. The deal was I went to Walmart to pick up a couple of items I had forgotten and a prescription. The lady at the pharmacy couldn't find where my doctor had called it in, so I called my docs office and talked to the receptionist-God love her for having to answer that call. She told me that my doc was out of the office and she would try to get someone to look at it and let me know something. This is where the meltdown began. It wasn't that the prescription wasn't called in, or that my doc was out of the office, it was the fact that I might not get any sleep without this medicine. I have always been a person who needed a lot of sleep and this issue that I'm dealing with is defiantly cutting into my sleep. So, I informed the receptionist of my current issues and how I can not deal with anything else at the moment and I needed someone to figure this out and quickly. Then we got off the phone and I realized that I had just had that conversation in the main isle of Walmart. I wasn't loud, I was on the verge of tears and it was absolutely no one's fault-no one to be angry at, no one to blame. Just me about to go over the edge! Thank goodness for God's timing-he ended the call in His time, the nurse called me back and we fixed the problem-in His time. He did not let me go over the edge and lose it in the store, He is in total control, and for that I am thankful! God knows what I need and when I need it and the great part of that is--He provides it!!

Just What I Needed!

2009-04-27T09:17:00.002-05:00

This weekend was just what I needed, especially after such an exhausting week. M played ball all day Saturday, so I spent the entire day with good friends and watching great softball!! The ball field is one place that I don't have to think about what is going on with me. Its not that I am in denial, it is just a place I can take a break from the medical terms, appointment dates and thinking about the next few months. All I have to think about out there is avoiding getting hit with the softball coming at me at 100mph (which by the way, I did not manage to do on one occasion--the arm is killing me this morning). Then on Sunday I went to church. It is so weird to sit and listen to my "little" brother preach and feel like he is talking only to me. His sermon was on fear and God's peace, 2 things I have been dealing with a lot lately. I have great fear of the unknown and the not having any control over it, and yet that is what is suppose to give me the greatest peace is knowing that God is in control and not me. And when you think about it, it does. Thank goodness I'm not in control--this isn't exactly my specialty. Oh and by the way, for those of you reading that heard my brother's sermon yesterday, the story he told about the busted chin did not really happen exactly the way he said. His memory is failing him as he gets older!!!

Sleep On It

2009-04-24T11:40:00.002-05:00

After a decent night sleep, I woke up and realized what I had decided to do. I panicked just a little. What will it be like? What will I look like? Just exactly how painful is this whole deal going to be? I have to have one side done, but now I have opted to have them both done at the same time. Am I nuts, is it going to be too much? Then I realize it may be a lot to wrap my head around right now, but it still is the best decision for me. (I hope) I just keep trusting in God, that he has given me doctors that know what they are talking about, friends and family that are supporting me through all of this and peace that I am doing what HE wants me to do.

Next Step

2009-04-23T16:23:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I went to meet with the surgeon today. I had gotten all the MRI and biopsy reports back and it was time to bite the bullet and make some decisions. What to do, what is right for me, for my husband, for my family? It is alot to consider but ultimately it boils down to what can I live with... The facts-the right boob has to go. It is the one with the tumor. As for the left-the biopsy came back negative NO cancer!! But for me that didn't change my feelings about surgery. Just the fact that they thought they saw something, and then it turned out to be nothing, can I live with that uncertainty? My answer was no. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if something is going on in my body that I can't see and that I could have helped prevent if I would have just taken care of it in the beginning. So, on May 14th I will have a bilateral mastectomy. I told the doctor today she could take them both and I would have new ones put in their place. I feel very good about that decision. I can't live my life worrying, even removing both doesn't take my chances to 0% of recurrence but it greatly reduces them, enough so, that it is totally worth it to me. We will decide after surgery what if any follow up treatment is needed and then I will start reconstruction. It has been a long day and it is a lot of information to process. This is where I'm at and I have a great peace about my decision.

From the beginning

2009-04-22T10:56:00.003-05:00

I don't know where exactly to start. First the basics, I was diagnosed April 14th with invasive ductal carcinoma (big word meaning breast cancer)...what I will refer to as "The Rain". Why I call it the rain, is there is a song that we sing at our church that says Jesus bring the rain...bring me anything that brings HIM glory. That song "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me has always scared me to death. What will my rain be, what will I do when it comes?? Now that I know what my rain is, comes the what will I do with it. Technically, this is what has happened and where I am headed-- I have had a mammogram, ultrasound, needle biopsy and a MRI. All those have confirmed the cancer. Yesterday, I had a MRI guided biopsy on the other side because of suspicious looking images that showed up on my first MRI. There is a chance that it could be in both breasts just in different stages. With all of that being said, the more than likely outcome will be a double mastectomy and then reconstruction. I meet with my doctor tomorrow to talk about surgery (what kind and how much). I will know much more after that appointment. Like I have said from the beginning, they can have the old ones and just put pretty new ones in their place, I am totally ok with that. I would say that, if I have to go through all this then there should definitely be a light at the end of the tunnel, and my light is a new, younger looking chest!